If you’re married & you’re on Facebook, you should read this

October 2, 2012 by  
Filed under Patrick's Blog

A claim made in this article doesn’t surprise me a bit:

“A survey by the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers found that Facebook is cited as evidence in 66 percent of divorces in the United States. Also, more than 80 percent of divorce lawyers reported they “have seen an increase in the number of cases using social networking evidence” during the past few years.”

In fact, this may even understate the extent to which Facebook, like other useful and entertaining new-media communication platforms, is contributing to marital infidelity and other marriage problems.

Rather than restate what these articles say about what happens when married men and women develop private (or, worse yet, clandestine) online relationships with members of the opposite sex, I’ll just offer three common-sense suggestions that seem to me to be a set of bare-minimum rules of prudence for those who (like I) use Facebook regularly and who don’t want it to cause problems for their marriage.

It doesn’t take a genius to see that Facebook can be a great thing when used wisely, or a stick of dynamite when used foolishly.

Rule 1:  Your Facebook should be a completely open book for your husband or wife.

You need to “password-protect” your marriage. No joke. This means that your husband or wife should be able to log onto your Facebook account at a moment’s notice, any time of the day or night, especially when you are not there. Aside from, perhaps, planning a surprise party for your husband, if you are keeping anything “secret” from him in terms of your online interactions with other men, you are heading down a slippery slope.  How to avoid it? Simple: He should know your password and, of course, if he has a Facebook account, you should know his.

This rule isn’t intended to foster “snooping” or paranoia, but it will help you ensure transparency and honesty with your husband or wife when it comes to your dealings with others online. Guys, knowing that your wife can at any time read anything you write on your Facebook page will have a very clarifying effect on what you write. In other words, abiding by this rule will help you avoid situations in which you might be tempted to say something you wouldn’t want your wife to see. One solution (aside from cancelling your Facebook page altogether) is to simply share one Facebook page between the two of you. Doing this can help fire-proof your marriage against an unscrupulous old flame.

Rule 2: Don’t flirt on Facebook.

Not even a little bit. Not even in jest. What you think of as harmless could actually be a stumbling block of temptation to someone else. We all know what it’s like when something we’ve written in an e-mail, something intended to be completely innocuous and friendly, is misconstrued by the recipient as snarky or mean. Correcting negative miss-impressions resulting from  misunderstood text can be tricky. Just imagine how much more difficult it can be to fix a problem caused be someone who thinks you’re flirting with her, especially if she is receptive to it and starts reciprocating. And, ladies, my hunch is that this is even more true in reverse. Your intentions may be entirely innocent, but under the right wrong circumstances, a man could misconstrue your witty repartée in a way you didn’t intend it. Don’t be brusque, of course, but do be circumspect in what you say. We all have to remember that Big Things start out small. When it comes to temptations to flirt on Facebook, the safest course by far is simply to refuse to let the small things get started in the first place.

Rule 3: Don’t waste time on Facebook.

This doesn’t mean don’t use Facebook, but definitely don’t waste time on it. And as someone who uses Facebook, I know this is easier said than done. Most of us in the modern digital age know from experience the temptation to fritter away valuable time online. Facebook can be a huge and even dangerous time-drain. Why dangerous? Because if you aren’t careful, wandering aimlessly from page to page, profile to profile, picture to picture, can quickly lead down the path of undue curiosity that can just as quickly lead to lustful thoughts, which can, if you’re not careful and willing to discipline yourself, lead to worse things. The old adage is certainly true: “Idleness is the devil’s workshop.” Or, as the famous wit wit Samuel Johnson once wrote: “If you are idle, be not solitary; if you are solitary be not idle.”

To elaborate on this growing problem of Facebook-caused marriage troubles, here’s a sample from the first article. It’s well worth reading, sharing with your spouse, and then implementing rules like the ones above in order to help yourself avoid potentially disastrous problems.

If you’re single, Facebook and other social networking sites can help you meet that special someone. However, for those in even the healthiest of marriages, improper use can quickly devolve into a marital disaster.

A recent survey by the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers found that Facebook is cited in one in five divorces in the United States. Also, more than 80 percent of divorce lawyers reported a rising number of people are using social media to engage in extramarital affairs.

“We’re coming across it more and more,” said licensed clinical psychologist Steven Kimmons, Ph.D., of Loyola University Medical Center in Maywood, Ill. “One spouse connects online with someone they knew from high school.

The person is emotionally available and they start communicating through Facebook. Within a short amount of time, the sharing of personal stories can lead to a deepened sense of intimacy, which in turn can point the couple in the direction of physical contact.”

Though already-strained marriages are most vulnerable, a couple doesn’t have to be experiencing marital difficulties in order for an online relationship to blossom from mere talk into a full-fledged affair, Kimmons said. In most instances, people enter into online relationships with the most innocent of intentions.

“I don’t think these people typically set out to have affairs,” said Kimmons, whose practice includes couples therapy and marriage counseling. “A lot of it is curiosity. They see an old friend or someone they dated and decide to say ‘hello’ and catch up on where that person is and how they’re doing.”

It all boils down to the amount of contact two people in any type of relationships –including online – have with each other, Kimmons said. The more contact they have, the more likely they are to begin developing feelings for each other.

“If I’m talking to one person five times a week versus another person one time a week, you don’t need a fancy psychological study to conclude that I’m more likely to fall in love with the person I talk to five times a week because I have more contact with that person,” Kimmons said. . . . (continue reading)

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56 Responses to “If you’re married & you’re on Facebook, you should read this”
  1. RHONDA WHITE says:

    I am having trsting issues with a boyfriend. He has more than one account set up onfacebook with fake names. He also will not keep his most used accountt the one I am on up all the time he comes an goes on it like he is hiding me. An when I log on I find that I cannot reply to the conversation does this mean I’m being blocked? As well as I have caught him on facebook an he isn’t leaving me messages or talking to me. He tells me I’m insecure an he isn’t hiding me because my picture is on his page but doesn’t show we are in a relationship. As well as he has told me he carries on conversations with 2 to 3 people at a time an says I can get on there an text him also. Am I wrong for questioning him as well as is he wrong for using fake names an. Claims it is for security purposes so people aren’t using his identity. I feel something defintely isn’t right but he makes me out to be the bad guy :(

  2. Christine says:

    My husband and I have been going through a bit of a rocky time and I thought we had sorted it out. He works away from home on a all male vessel. He recently went away and whilst there told me he felt emotionally dead towards me and was frightened that his feelings would not come back and we didn’t seem to communicate like we used to. He is active on face book and he knows I have the password but I feel he thinks I will not check it. Last weekend he ‘liked’ a quote that said – Homesick for something that I think does not exist, a heart that is full, a body that is loved and a soul that is understood. I was cut to the core because it is one thing to say he is numb to me but to share it with the world. Then couple hours later his ex-wife liked the comment – which just added to the agony. I then noticed that the woman who had shared the quote had become a friend on face book. I was curious to know who she was so checked his connection to her -there was no connection between them at all – just one of those shared shared shared shared and somehow it turns up on your page because a friend of a friend of a friend. when I looked at her posts they were all very – how can I say – on the same vain as the initial one – Be brave and say goodbye and life will reward you with a new hello, don’t stay if you not loved – all that type of thing.

    My husband and I were then chatting on whatsapp – the only way we do when he is away at sea. Whilst he chatted he seemed very distant but part of it was ok. At the end of it I said to him he seemed very distant – he told me he could not deal with this now – and he needed to focus on his job which can be quite dangerous – so I left it. However, he did not know about the background to why I was saying that. I kept following her quotes until I could stand it no longer and checked his face book page. It was just kinda idle chatter but some of it started to get not personal but sharing ideas and dreams etc. this was only over a couple of days – however, then at the end of one of his last facebook messages he said to her that the signal was not so good so could they go on whatsapp…. which it seems that she did because they then no longer messaged – I kept on checking his facebook but kept quite –

    However, last night we had had a great whatsapp conversationa and I was starting to feel that things would work out and maybe this friend request was nothing… but after the chat and he had gone to bed in another part of the world.. I had to check it one more time… vowed it would be the last but – he had changed the password on it and when I went into his emails – because I do that all the time for his work- he had deleted the reset password request. I became a bit frantic and then reset it myself – thinking he would just think that he had not got it correct the last time because it was a new password and I so deleted the reset email.

    I then signed in only to find that not only that – but he had also set a notification on it if someone tried to use a different device…. and this shows up in the post on face book and cannot be removed. At the time I did all this he was and still is sleeping due to his shift – but I am now frantic again – nauseas and trembling because I am terrified of what he is going to say and if in fact he will communicate with me – he is supposed to come home Friday (now wednesday) and we had made such great plans in this last chat… now I feel I have ruined it all – but also feel that I should not feel guilty about the fact that I went into it in the first place – but the fact that I did not ask him and he will feel that (actually correctly) that I do not trust him now – I do not know what to do with myself and feel that I am so in the wrong now – and fighting with myself that because I could not keep away from the page one last time – I could have ended our marriage – we are now Christians but he seems to have forgotten God is involved in this relationship – but that is a whole other story…..

    Advice – Oh I don’t know … just venting I guess/

  3. Steve says:

    I’ve never seen so much insecurity in my life. Most of you should not be married, period. Don’t you realize the harder you try to hold on to something the more it wants to escape your death grip? Relax and give the man some space. If he wants to fool around then he was never your man to begin with.

  4. SSJRomance says:

    I busted my wife last year with Facebook. After a rocky relationship with her lying to me about her past I decided to log into her account. I found 3 private messages from a old high school friend that based on the conversation there were previous messages preceding these but were not there. I suspected she deleted them. When I confronted her about the messages she denied saying anything inappropriate and that she would never have delete any message. Then eventually she admitted she deleted them but only because there were too many. Then eventually she admitted she deleted them on purpose because she felt bad about a few things she said. I will never know the whole truth. There was another old friend she used to work with and I found private conversations from him too. Nothing seemed too out of the ordinary and she denied ever having a relationship with him. When I asked her who befriended who she immediately said he did with no delay of thought. I later found out that hunted him down and that she befriended him. Another high school now married friend sent her a private message that sounded like he wanted to have her baby. She was so naive that she didn’t realize he was 100% hitting on her. She was flattered and sounded like a fool when she replied. To this day he still tried to get in contact with her. There were others for a total of about 40 old male friends she knew. Needless to say I was pretty upset. She agreed to remove any guy that we did not mutually know. Now I find myself spying on her because there is no trust int he relationship.

  5. HJ says:

    I no longer have facebook or feel the need to but it was the way i found out that my husband had been sleeping with our employees the entire time i was pregnant! At the time my husband and i were very publicly facebook attached as well as offline. Happily married baby on the way photos of scans etc Everything shared. Then one of the girls sent me a facebook message revealing all when our son was 6 weeks old. She knew our situation and so did the other girl he was seeing. My husband instantly blocked me from facebook completely but i hear he still regularly communicates publicly on facebook and other social media with them both. They have no shame and yet social media makes it possible. My husband claims that the internet is not a reflection of real life and in real life claims to want to make things work with me but when you know they all still communicate in a public arena like nothing happened… its not great for reconcilliation or trust when you are blocked from your partners online persona.

  6. Lost says:

    Too many posts about “men” doing these things. Women are even more likely to use Fakebook and other social media sites to flirt or cheat. This is not a male thing as much as it is a woman thing.

    • A.D. says:

      Could be but all I have had experience with is men doing it and one unmarried girl that was flirty publicly with my husband and my kids friends dads. My husband blocked me and flirts in messenger. I had 3 men send me flirtatious messages etc… I think it’s very much a male thing and is exactly why I looked it up!

      • Mike says:

        Definately! Married women are flocking to cheat in Facebook.. Hiding things from their husband it’s horrible and corrupting our culture. Facebook is to females what porn sites are to men. It’s not healthy and there’s a lot of stuff allowed to go on under the radar which Facebook settings allow for. I hate Fakebook and everything about it!

  7. Toni Petak says:

    Hi to All! My husband, of 31 years has been using my Facebook account that he somehow just changed some settings and chats, emails, sets up webcam dates. Then I searched his phone and downloaded a detailed bill and found out he uses his web and talks on the phone and texts plus he found how to do it with 800,888,855 etc forwarding so the numbers can’t be called back cuz they are nonworking numbers. I sat and went through as much as I could for 2 months and there is still more. Everyone needs to be aware of all of these ways to track things. He has been doing this for at least 4 years. He uses Linked In’s social area. That’s where I found a Voice Valentine left for him by a local woman. He won’t admit to anything. He just keeps saying he didn’t do anything and gets angry with me. I was going to give him a pardon if we clean off the computers and reset the phones. But I am so scared he is going to leave me eventually or just keep doing this. I only became suspicious about 7 months ago. I am so hurt and then I become angry. But I don’t have proof he was physical with anyone. I am pretty sure he has been but all he admits is looking at porn and using webcam. I just don’t know what to do. We were highschool sweethearts and both turned 50 last year. My heart is broken and I still don’t know what to do with my life. Should I stay and maybe he won’t stop or maybe he will just up and leave me. I am so confused. I really need for him to tell me what he has been doing.

    • Laurie says:

      What state are you in….I am in calif. And my husband and i were also high school sweethearts, and we have been married 32 years. There are still deal breakers. If hubby wants to act like a fool, fimd out how much ali ony you would get and for how long…and kick him to the curb. Soumds like just like me the last time you were single was a life time ago. Dont ne afraid he is going to leave you, that is never a good place, be afraid you wont leave him when you know you should …and only you can decide when you should. But dont let him call you crazy while he is acting all insane. Hopefully he has a nice retirmemt fund you can get half of. Dont let him get away with anything you cant live with…..girl we are still young enough to have some fun, squeeze a little more living into our lives. I dont care how long we are together, i can always live without him, and i bet you could too.

    • amanda M says:

      my husband told me yesterday (Monday)that he has activated a facebook account-so he can ‘connect with his buddies. I looked at the page and turns out he activated it days ago, updated his profile pic on friday. We were together all weekend, everyday in fact and he never mentioned his intent to do it-nor did he tell me when he did it. That bothers me. Further, i think the only reason he told me is becasue someone we both know, came up as ‘someone you might know’ and he got scared that they would tell me. Here is the issue. He connects with his bussed via text and phone calls . So I am not buying this. Further, in 2006 he had an emotional affair with a woman at work. So, this has me reeling. He says I am insecure-which I admit to. Tells me I am causing trouble and am crazy for being concerned and upset becasue he loves me. while I believe he does, I also believe he is not being truthful about his intent. He becomes extremely flattered if another woman pays attn to him-hence that affair. Ssme issue almost happened with another woman at work who flirted with him on email and he started flirting back. He claims it meant nothing-yet he hid it. He also hid his linked in invite to another woman we knew who was in the circle of the fist girl. when I asked him why he hid that he said he did not think I need to know. So, here I am. Feeling afraid and wanting to just leave. I feel like a crazy nut. I hate this crap.

      • maleficent says:

        my husband also made a new account last nonth that i did not know off.I only knew about it because he was asking ne on how and y he could not log in. I was shocked and asked him when he did it and for what purpoae.he never offered the passwors either. he just said he just wanted to make a new one and thathe was already able to retrieve it. I was sad and hurt that he did not offer me the password since his old account was known to me and can be logged in by me at anytym.It took two days aand a whole lot of questions until he finally gave me the pssword. I was so happy i 5ought i was being unreasonable to him.But my mood changed when i relized the password was wrong he gave me the wrong one since i said i will not chwck it just to pacify me he gave me a password..and it locked three letters and he did not even say sorry he miaaed.it was deliberate. I am very cautious considering he had a flirting chat convo with a formwr colleague..im so wind up :( how could they do this

  8. Michael says:

    Trust is the key and there shouldn’t be an issue with sharing passwords to each others’ social media accounts or anything else for that matter. However, when one spouse spends an inordinate amount of time on Facebook, Messenger, or other social media and puts the tablet/phone down in a hurry or exits FB/email quickly when their spouse comes up, this may arouse suspicion even in the best relationships. It’s that “I don’t want you to see what I’m doing” factor. This behavior can erode trust and leave one spouse feeling betrayed, left out, or worse emotionally abandoned. You know you have a problem when one spouse gets angry and says “that’s none of your business”. Well, if it’s not my business them it’s either time to open up communication between each other or seriously exam the relationship.

  9. Renee says:

    I noticed my boyfriend of 8 years added a couple girls (both friends to each other) on Facebook. ( This isnt the first time, ive questioned him and it turns into a blown up fight everytime and he deletes his acct, then a couple weeks later starts his acct again.They work at a couple stores near his work. I’ve asked him who they are and he can’t give me an answer. He says he’s not cheating and I don’t think he is! I just want to know how going into a store a couple times regularily a week can lead to adding these girls to Facebook. I feel there’s more to the story. How do you find these girls names out to even add th to facebook? How does he know they are married with three children? And he won’t say anything about it! How can he add two facebook friends of each other and just know them from the stores they work at?? Am I overreacting? It’s not like I’m saying to delete them! I’m just asking who they are and how he met them good enough to add them to Facebook? Am I just being insecure?

    • maleficent says:

      i am not still asleep because i hav gone through my husbands activity log..(stalker much for a reason) . a few days ago i notced him searchin a couple of girla that i do not know.One was the sister of his colleague and i wondered why would he want to search for her .to make matters worse he sent her a request. There was also others and he also sent them a request. I cancelled these and for the second time he sent them a request maybe he did not realize i cancelled it. But just a few mins ago i saw that he again searched for these two girls.i just dont understand who they are and y. he said he wanted his facenook to have friends that he know off only yet he does thia. so i decided to send these girla a friend request on his account maybe hed be happ6then and i will later unfriend them :) payback hehe

  10. Sabrina says:

    I’ve been married for almost 5 years now and my husband and I both have separate facebook accounts. We also share the majority of our friends. This is a great article and I agree with it 100%. However, if your spouse is doing these things, and you know their password, DELETE THEIR FACEBOOKS! Also, delete yours to avoid conflict. Hubby and I have done this twice. Our marriage is stronger then ever now and I like it. Both parties having a facebook account builds trust.

  11. Michele says:

    My husband had a sexual conversation with a girl from his past…..like high school on Facebook about 4 or 5 years ago. After I confronted him and he said they were just reminiscing, which pissed me off, he did agree to block her and never speak to her again. He also blocked the girl he dated for two years before he met me. Last year he unblocked her and sent her a facebook “how ya been” message. I snooped through his phone and found it. When I questioned him he deleted it and said it was harmless. He once again agreed to block her. Well today I just happened to go through his phone and find that both women are now unblocked! When I confronted him he swore to me that he never unblocked them and that he has no idea how it happened. Someone please tell me I am not crazy! And that it’s impossible for someone to just mysteriously be unblocked. He swore up and down he didn’t do it and I have no choice to tell him I believe him even though I know he is lying. I’m feeling helpless and don’t know what to do!

    • Cory says:

      You’re absolutely not crazy! I would have done the same thing. Btw, just so you know He’s not going to stop flirting and checking on women on facebook most guys tend to be more confident to do flirt with women online than personal. Set grounds! Stay Strong! Tell him He’s not fooling anyone with his reasons.

      • Michele Paige says:

        I am just now finding your answer. Thank you for the heads up. Yea I see he recently became friends with some girl he doesn’t even know. And when I asked him how he knows her he got defense and yelled at me. Now we are in a big fight and he tells me I am insecure. First of all I consider myself a strong confident woman! Insecure about myself absolutely not! Insecure about where I stand with him……ABSOLUTELY!

  12. Cara says:

    I’ve found that some of my friends who are in the happiest marriages have a shared account, for example, an account name would be Ron Sherry smith. I like that idea.

    • maleficent says:

      i am actually thinking of doing that too..maybe i will the problem is there are a lot of memories of my daughter in my account..but i saw two friends sharing their account and they seemcto be doing well

  13. Hope says:

    Hello. I have a concern, my husband became friends with one of his family members friends. He has never met her and we live several states away from her. They started chatting and sharing information about different things they both agree on. Mostly political issues. He started spending more time on facebook and checking and sending chat messages. He never hid them from me except I know there were some that were deleted. She has never requested to be my friend which I thought was a little strange since she was friends with my husband. A few months back I got a bad feeling so I checked his messages to her. One said “everyday I look forward to seeing your picture and your posts!! I love your mind!! I’m glad we’re friends even if it’s only facebook.” There were a few others that were a little personal also. I asked him about it and he immediately deleted her and blocked her. A few days later he unblocked her and she immediately sent him a message asking him where he’s been. He says she is nothing to him and that she’s just a soul like his cousins and family. I have a bad feeling about this. Should I? Please help me shed some light on this.

  14. perk says:

    My husband of 31 years has recently emailed an old classmate. He told her he just wanted to catch up. He ended it with ‘Maybe we can meet sometime in the future, I hope so’ He didn’t mention this contact to me because he said it was NOTHING his sister knows this lady and she told my husband how to contact her. My husband is 66 and I am 61. In all these years he has never given me reason to doubt his love and commitment but I still feel betrayed that he felt the need to contact her and he also has a few women friends on facebook. My husband says he would never do anything like this again but I am feeling heart broken and overwhelmingly sad. I am trying hard and praying but feel emotionally betrayed. Do women of my age share similar feelings. Why do you think I am so shattered inside.

  15. Ally Stover says:

    The wife of a couple that we had been close to has been very unhappy with me ever since her husband falsely accused our spouses of an affair which woke me up to borderline (or very, depending on your social standards) inappropriate behaviors, such as sending links to raunchy news stories and jokes (that my spouse has ceased), buying my spouse odd gifts, and lying to me about giving my spouse a ride one day when he was stuck without a vehicle (no big deal except the lie).

    She has decided to block me on Facebook, but continues to comment on and like nearly everything that my spouse posts.

    It’s angering me and appears to be saddening her spouse.

    My husband says that it would be rude for him to block her and would effectively end any chance of repairing the friendship.

    • Jilted Wife says:

      I am sorry to inform you but your two mates are already having an affair…if not physical definately emotional. Why I say this is your husband is unwilling to break ties with this woman ( won’t hurt her feelings) even though he knows it is hurting your’s badly. That means he is vested in a relationship with her and that is much further along then either if them claim or you thought it to be. I know because this is exactly what my X-husband said and did for 2 years, abusing me emotionally while giving all his best to her bothe emotionally and physically. Wake up and give the man a what for….either she goes or you do!!!

      • LORI CHRISTENSEN says:

        My husband has women commenting on his picture when he changes his profile picture.
        Here is the kicker….after they comment on him…
        oh you are so handsome etc,
        He then clicks the like button. He says he is just saying Thank you by doing that. It is only the polite thing to do.
        He is from Denmark and he says that is not flirting or encouraging them. I need different points of view from Men & women….PLEASE :( It makes me so sad when I see this on facebok.
        …and yes…I have told him that it hurts me.

    • Cathy says:

      The fact that she interacts with your husband, but blocks you says it all.

      I would never ever have an exclusive friendship with any of my friends husbands. I can not even imagine having a friendship with someone’s husband, and blocking the wife. That is outrageously inappropriate, and a clear statement of nothing but ill intentions.

  16. Facebook Quitter says:

    Bottom line is that Facebook is an enabler and a cheating tool. Not always and not by Stated purpose, but in practice plenty of married males use it to erode and weasel their way into other people’s relationships. It’s an opportunity to say things safely to a taken woman you wouldn’t risk in front of her husband. They use it as a shield and will ferociously defend Facebook because they want this ability. People disdain the thought of sharing a Facebook account because it nerfs their ability to flirt with someone they aren’t supposed to. That’s the bottom line right there. Facebook didn’t exist 10 years ago, it’s not necessary, it’s not LIFE. So I dismiss all these arguments about how sharing an account is weird or gives up undue privacy to your spouse. They’ll say Sharing a Facebook account shows insecurity and a sign that we don’t trust each other, but that’s a mind game. Logically people who trust each other share More not Less. Some couples simply choose to erect a firewall against all the Other people who can’t be trusted. If it’s awkward to talk to a “couple” then it just means you really had nothing legitimate to say.

    • Cathy says:

      I totally agree with you. I have been seeing all of these married people, both male and female, with separate facebook accounts, and if I didn’t know who they were, I never would have been able to identify them as a married person. In fact, it is bewildering to me how they’re accounts are set up so they actually look like they are single, with no stated relationships, and only photos of him/herself. I even saw an account of a married woman I know on facebook the other night, married for 20 years, 2 kids, and she’s had a makeover, and photos posted that were taken when out with her husband, but with her husband blocked out of the photos to make it look like it is only her in the photos, with all her info looking like she had never been married.

      I think its so weird when married people on facebook look like they are single, and their spouse is just one of their friends. What the hell is with that? I feel like posting “Hey, are you no longer married, but are still friends with your spouse?”.

      My friend has only one email account for the whole family, and I only communicate with her, not her husband, so I just address her when I write the email.

      When I signed up for facebook when single, I got only friend requests from the creepiest ill intentioned guys that I know in high school 35 years ago, so I just delete the a/c, so that makes me wonder why any married woman or man would want a separate facebook account, since this is what will happen.

      Friendships with other couples, and same sex friendships with new and old friends are important so as not to be isolated by a marraige, but married people have very little time together to keep fostering their own friendship with each other, why on earth would any married person be sneaking around or openly fostering friendships with the opposite sex, when it would definitely be at the expense of their time, friendship and matrimonial relationship with their spouse?

    • Julie says:

      AMEN!!! Facebook IS NOT NECESSARY.

  17. Bunny says:

    My husband has talked and flirted with other girls when we first started dating, then he stopped cause we started getting serious.. Then one day this girl tags him in a note about a poem of being in love or having a crush, and he goes on continuously asking the girl if she liked him, which she said no and that she tagged him just to spread the note/poem thing.. nothing of it again.. then he went idle from facebook for months, UNTIL! his facebook had a post on it saying “I regret letting her go, I dont want to lose her” talking about his ex-girlfriend, which I confronted him about it, and he got pissed off and swore he didnt write that cause he is glad he got rid of the ‘bitch’ which his ex-girlfriend DID have the password to his facebook still at the time.. and no incidents happened since then.. He rarely goes on facebook now when he does he says it just to check requests, messages, and notifications. Which i didnt really believe him cause i have trust issues cause my ex’s used facebook to cheat on me.. so I got on my husband’s facebook from his phone when he was sleeping and got the password, and i still know it till this very day and he doesnt even know about it.. So i check his facebook at times to make sure nothing is going on.. so far nothing is.. but here lately he been getting on it a bit more.. i got curious so i checked the history of his phone of facebook one day,.. he was looking thru all my photos and nothing else.. which i was perfectly fine with!! but until i started noticing his ex-gf keeps getting unblocked on facebook, which is weird cause there isnt any thing of them talking.. her profile is set on private and their not friends.. so Its confusing of why she keeps getting unblocked.. Im completely open with my husband, i even let him on my phone and told him my facebook password, but he never acts on it cause he says he has no reason to check my stuff cause he believes and trusts me.. but yet he wouldn’t told me his password cause of his ex had his password before and really fucked up their relationship and she even went thru his phone and flipped about everything (i heard all about this from their mutual friends) I went thru his phone once, and he fucking flips on me cause of his ex doing it all the time when they were together and he believes that I should trust him and believe him.. When its hard for me to trust someone and believe someone after my past (I was abused by my father and ex-boyfriends, and was even raped a few times) which after all that happening for over 19 years its hard to learn to trust someone.. its been hard, and now facebook seems like a main argument we have, all cause I ask why he been on facebook more often..

    • Cathy says:

      If he is on facebook more often lately, but nothing showing on his posts, then he must be doing something on it, then he might be deleting it to hide the fact. What could be happening to account for his ex gf repeatedly being unblocked, which is a real indication that something is repeatedly happening with her on facebook – is that if his ex gf is repeatedly being blocked then unblocked then it looks like he might be communicating with her on facebook by her friending him each time they communicate by unblocking her, then blocking her after the conversation so she is not showing up as a friend afterward, and deleting the posts so there is no trace of the communication or of her.

  18. LC says:

    I’m a single girl, and I’m really tired of married men writing to me on Facebook. It’s disgusting, dishonorable, and sleazy. Most of them are older than my father but think that a young woman is going to be interested in them. They’re pathetic old losers who need to go back to their long suffering wives. It’s pretty rare that a single, available man writes to me; it’s always some scumbag married man. Kind of makes me glad that I’m not married!

  19. fuwit says:

    Facebook is not some evil creation. It’s the same as many other things, what you do with it is what you will get from it. Personally I use it as a way to keep up with friends and family I don’t live anywhere near anymore. Some live out of town, some out of state, and some out of the country. It is sad when people use it for the wrong thing, but those who are claiming it is this horrid thing that never should have been started should stop and look around. Before Facebook flings hurting relationships it was email and messenger, before that it was letters, and there still the good old fashioned sneaking around. Look at the real problem, the way people use it and some people’s lack of respect and commitment, not Facebook itself.

  20. Kelly says:

    In addition to having Facebook accounts completely open between a couple, we both post kind messages of an non-personal nature on one another’s walls, ie: “Miss you!” and that sort of thing. The message is clear: after 22 years, we’re still deeply in love and respect for one another. We celebrate our marriage and family on our Facebook pages, and it saddens me when I see people post something unkind about a spouse for all to see – no matter how benign it may seem, such as complaining about snoring. That just puts a mark on your marriage and sends the message that there is a chink in the armor.

    • Nene says:

      Hello Gina,
      I am in a similar situation. My husband of 26 yrs created his FB account for about two yrs ago. It has been nothing but trouble. I believe that the only reason for him to acquire it was to get in touch with his “friends”, which happen to an ex-girlfriend and another woman he went to prom with in high school. I didn’t have a problem with it in the beginning because it was casual conversation. He was also open about their chats but then the flirting started and the messages were being deleted. When I confront him he about it he gets angry and insists he is doing nothing wrong. That I don’t have anything to worry about because he doesn’t go out. But, I do have a problem with it because once he started flirting, keeping things from me and deleting complete conversation he has something to hide. Another this is behavior he would not tolerate from me. Not that I would ever behave this way. I tell him that I don’t want to have this type of marriage and he responds by saying, ” a marriage where you have a roof over your head, you have food on the table and you don’t work”. This is unbelievable. He doesn’t get it. I am wrong for asking him to stop talking with these women? Torn in Texas.

      • Joanne day says:

        hi im goin thre the same help

        • Joanne day says:

          my husband has jus changed his facebook so i cant see anything , wen i put his name in it comes up with nothing, he sed he not on it but his friends have shown me is… wot to do????

          • Jamie says:

            Catch him out. Set up a facebook a/c in another name so he doesn’t know it’s you, friend request him, and see how far he’ll go. You should also be able to see the activity on his a/c this way. Although this is clandestine, the fact is, he is being deliberately clandestine and secretive with you. At the very least, you have the right to know the truth.

  21. Gina says:

    Whoever invented Facebook should be imprisoned for causing hurt and devastation in numerous marriages. My husband is addicted to Facebook and has a few female friends whom he keeps in contact with. So far, I have not read any comments on his site that are inappropriate. I can not stop him from contacting females on Facebook but he needs to know that he is playing with fire. I have mentioned this to him but he insists that he is only friends with them.

    Any other women with a similar problem? I would like to read your comments.

    • ashley says:

      Yes I am having that problem too. Mine is that he friended his ex-fiance to piss me off changed his status to single and than changed it back and unfriended her when I flipped out. Now he friended her again and I have discovered that you can’t change people no matter how hard you try this would have been 10 years married for us and I am not sure it will last…just remember you can only make changes in your life..i am about too.

  22. anthony says:

    Facebook was invented by a guy to get back at a female student for being dumped!(we saw the film mark well done)
    It already had the kiss of death put on it from the begining.
    It has made millions on the stock market.
    thanks to people who are dumb!
    In this age of advance in computers and social net working it is more than possible and without effort to create your own personal network for your family and real friends and that way it stays private no need for passwords or worrying about strangers or weird stuff happening.
    facebook is a way to sell advertising, to promote as well as a social network thats how they make money remember that folks!!.
    there are some FB pages that are NOT on a person to person call.
    its a page for people to follow, example a famous writer or actor or singer.
    they will not answer you personally at all you could make a comment but 99% it will not be answered purely because its being used to update and sell that perticular celebs new whatever for sale.

    some celebs however do comment and when they have without naming names they have been dragged into the spotlight and got into trouble,but mostly this is rare.

    but really if you dont want to take the risk of being on facebook or anything like that.
    set up your own personal network for your family and stay private and enjoy it!!
    there are lots of ideas and easy steps to do it and the cost is very small and its not rocket science!

  23. Great article!!! I agree 100%!!!!

  24. Cross says:

    My marriage and trust has been destroyed because of secret messages between my husband and a woman he hasn’t seen in 25+ years. She contacted him with the help of his mother. She told him she had dreams about him and then he started asking for details. Well the rest can be figured out. He says he didn’t do anything wrong, so why do I hurt so bad?

    • lore says:

      este articulo es muy acertado…yo tengo facebook y la verdad es que con la gracia de Dios puedo usarlo correctamente…pero mi esposo ya ha tenido este tipo de tentaciones q explica el artículo: agregando chicas que ni siquiera conoce, pero le parecen lindas..y tambien he visto que ha hablado por mensajes con alguna de ellas…creo que es tal cual como lo dice Patrick…es una tentación muy grande…frente esto, por mi parte, sólo me queda rezar mucho por mi esposo para que dios lo sostenga

    • Gina says:

      My husband has “female” friends on Facebook, much to my dismay. So far, I have not read any inappropriate comments/actions, but he is playing with fire.

      I feel hurt as you do because we have been betrayed. I compare our husband’s actions to emotional infidelity. I am going to seek counseling before and if my marriage ends. Good luck to you. Would love to hear what has happened since your last post.

  25. Rosa says:


    We both have a Facebook and have access to each other accounts. You rules are pretty much on target. As long and you and your spouse have an open communication, it should not cause any issues.


  26. A friend says:

    Yes, we single people have resigned ourselves uncomfortably to the end of personal emails to our newly-married friends of the same sex. Shared marital passwords–and their ally, zero marital boundaries–make it very difficult for friends of the same sex to get or give advice, counsel, and support on things that friends’ spouses have no business seeing or knowing.

  27. Mike Sanders says:

    I couldn’t agree more with the rules you stated. Rule number one hits home for me. I think husbands and wives should be completely open with each other. There shouldn’t be anything they want to hide frome each other. It is part of the spouse giving themselves entirely to the other spouse when they get married. Complete honesty and trust in each other.

  28. Seth says:

    Great article. Maintaining healthy boundaries seems to be a lost art these days, even among devout Christians.

  29. Cristina Brambilla says:

    Hi Patrick,

    Very good and wise article.
    One thing:

    I think it should be like that also for people in relationships, not only marriage.
    I have been in a relationship for 9 months and he has all my password and I have all his.
    Of course we completely trust each other and I don’t even check him so often but it should be like this if you want to have a serious relationship that leads to marriage. Completely honest from the beginning.

    Thanks for your work, I just found your FB page and liked you.

    God bless.

  30. Beatrice says:

    I agree in that being transparent is a healthy and efficient way to secure a marriage, and sharing passwords is a way of showing trust too. Somehow one may receive as an excuse that sharing either facebook/laptop/email passwords is violating the other partner’s “privacy”. I would like to know, where does “privacy” starts, or if such thing can exist as an individual in a marriage?
    Thanks for your insightful posts! God bless!

  31. Suzanne Andrews says:

    Hi Patrick,
    My husband isn’t on Facebook(he’s strictly a Linked-In guy), but I’ll email him my password so he can check on me if he feels the need. I mostly use it to keep in touch with my family(we’re pretty far from them) and it’s resulted in increased phone conversations with my fallen-away brother. Thanks for sharing this wisdom!

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