If you’re married & you’re on Facebook, you should read this
December 21, 2015 by Patrick Madrid
Filed under Patrick's Blog
(Originally posted in 2011)
A claim made in this article doesn’t surprise me a bit:
“A survey by the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers found that Facebook is cited as evidence in 66 percent of divorces in the United States. Also, more than 80 percent of divorce lawyers reported they “have seen an increase in the number of cases using social networking evidence” during the past few years.”
In fact, this may even understate the extent to which Facebook, like other useful and entertaining new-media communication platforms, is contributing to marital infidelity and other marriage problems.
Rather than restate what these articles say about what happens when married men and women develop private (or, worse yet, clandestine) online relationships with members of the opposite sex, I’ll just offer three common-sense suggestions that seem to me to be a set of bare-minimum rules of prudence for those who (like I) use Facebook regularly and who don’t want it to cause problems for their marriage.
It doesn’t take a genius to see that Facebook can be a great thing when used wisely, or a stick of dynamite when used foolishly.
Rule 1: Your Facebook should be a completely open book for your husband or wife.
You need to “password-protect” your marriage. No joke. This means that your husband or wife should be able to log onto your Facebook account at a moment’s notice, any time of the day or night, especially when you are not there. Aside from, perhaps, planning a surprise party for your husband, if you are keeping anything “secret” from him in terms of your online interactions with other men, you are heading down a slippery slope.
How to avoid it? Simple: He should know your password and, of course, if he has a Facebook account, you should know his.
This rule isn’t intended to foster “snooping” or paranoia, but it will help you ensure transparency and honesty with your husband or wife when it comes to your dealings with others online.
Guys, knowing that your wife can at any time read anything you write on your Facebook page will have a very clarifying effect on what you write. In other words, abiding by this rule will help you avoid situations in which you might be tempted to say something you wouldn’t want your wife to see.
One solution (aside from cancelling your Facebook page altogether) is to simply share one Facebook page between the two of you. Doing this can help fire-proof your marriage against an unscrupulous old flame.
Rule 2: Don’t flirt on Facebook.
Not even a little bit. Not even in jest. What you think of as harmless could actually be a stumbling block of temptation to someone else. We all know what it’s like when something we’ve written in an e-mail, something intended to be completely innocuous and friendly, is misconstrued by the recipient as snarky or mean.
Correcting negative miss-impressions resulting from misunderstood text can be tricky. Just imagine how much more difficult it can be to fix a problem caused be someone who thinks you’re flirting with her, especially if she is receptive to it and starts reciprocating.
And ladies, my hunch is that this is even more true in reverse. Your intentions may be entirely innocent, but under the
rightwrong circumstances, a man could easily misconstrue your witty repartée in a way you didn’t intend it. Don’t be brusque, of course, but do be circumspect in what you say.We all have to remember that Big Things start out small. When it comes to temptations to flirt on Facebook, the safest course by far is simply to refuse to let the small things get started in the first place.
Rule 3: Don’t waste time on Facebook.
This doesn’t mean don’t use Facebook, but definitely don’t waste time on it. And as someone who uses Facebook, I know this is easier said than done. Most of us in the modern digital age know from experience the temptation to fritter away valuable time online.
Facebook can be a huge and even dangerous time-drain. Why dangerous? Because if you aren’t careful, wandering aimlessly from page to page, profile to profile, picture to picture, can quickly lead down the path of undue curiosity that can just as quickly lead to lustful thoughts, which can, if you’re not careful and willing to discipline yourself, lead to worse things.
The old adage is certainly true: “Idleness is the devil’s workshop.” Or, as the famous wit wit Samuel Johnson once wrote: “If you are idle, be not solitary; if you are solitary be not idle.”
To elaborate on this growing problem of Facebook-caused marriage troubles, here’s a sample from the first article. It’s well worth reading, sharing with your spouse, and then implementing rules like the ones above in order to help yourself avoid potentially disastrous problems.
If you’re single, Facebook and other social networking sites can help you meet that special someone. However, for those in even the healthiest of marriages, improper use can quickly devolve into a marital disaster.
A recent survey by the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers found that Facebook is cited in one in five divorces in the United States. Also, more than 80 percent of divorce lawyers reported a rising number of people are using social media to engage in extramarital affairs.
“We’re coming across it more and more,” said licensed clinical psychologist Steven Kimmons, Ph.D., of Loyola University Medical Center in Maywood, Ill. “One spouse connects online with someone they knew from high school.
The person is emotionally available and they start communicating through Facebook. Within a short amount of time, the sharing of personal stories can lead to a deepened sense of intimacy, which in turn can point the couple in the direction of physical contact.”
Though already-strained marriages are most vulnerable, a couple doesn’t have to be experiencing marital difficulties in order for an online relationship to blossom from mere talk into a full-fledged affair, Kimmons said. In most instances, people enter into online relationships with the most innocent of intentions.
“I don’t think these people typically set out to have affairs,” said Kimmons, whose practice includes couples therapy and marriage counseling. “A lot of it is curiosity. They see an old friend or someone they dated and decide to say ‘hello’ and catch up on where that person is and how they’re doing.”
It all boils down to the amount of contact two people in any type of relationships –including online – have with each other, Kimmons said. The more contact they have, the more likely they are to begin developing feelings for each other.
“If I’m talking to one person five times a week versus another person one time a week, you don’t need a fancy psychological study to conclude that I’m more likely to fall in love with the person I talk to five times a week because I have more contact with that person,” Kimmons said. . . . (continue reading)
I know my husband is flirting, or having online affairs via FB and using messenger to text women. I have hard proof of this from last year.
It’s absolutely not a problem if u have nothing to hide from each other, but I think no chance he would show me because he’s a serial cheater
Ok, here goes. This could very well be a long post so I apologize in advance. I came across this when I was looking for information about husbands being in private “sexy” Facebook groups and lying about it. The reason I was doing this is because I have been receiving anonymous emails with photos that he has posted (none super bad, just chest and underwear) but lots of comments to women. “Yes please,” “MmmMmm”, “I’ll take double dollops baby girl”, “show off that beautiful bubble butt, baby”…comments that are very inappropriate for a married man. Calling some “baby girl” which he has always said that’s his name only for me. One of his female friends that he has known forever and he says is like a sister is on them. He even comments to her telling her how hot she is. Giving women emoji’s like 😛😮🤤😋😍, along with “hot” memes. I asked him if he had heard of fb pages like this before, is he on any of them to which he replied that his friend added him to the groups but he promised he never got on them and would never consider posting pics online.
He also keeps EVERYTHING set to private. I’m not to be on his laptop, see his phone, and I wouldn’t dare ask who he is talking to or to ask to see his friends list as it’s “none of my business“ who he is friends with. Now to tell you why I REALLY worry. This is my second marriage. I’m the one who used Facebook that led to my cheating. It started out innocent enough. Old friend from high school. We dated some. Reconnected on FB. My marriage was barely hanging on. I didn’t feel needed or wanted anymore. (I was wrong) Anyways, I know the signs. The insisting on complete privacy, all of it. I don’t think my husband now is cheating physically but I do believe that he is wrong. Not just by being on these groups but for lying to me flat out. My worries is that I’m being punished for what I did. It is something I will live with for the rest of my life. Something I never thought in a million years I could do. Yet, I did. My marriage wasn’t perfect but he deserved so much better than what I did. I’m putting all of this here (I’ve never discussed this outside of my circle before) to say that it DOES happen. It CAN happen. Be careful out there. I wasn’t.
I’ve given my username and password to all of my emails, social media or so on to my husband several times so if he thinks something’s is going on or anything that he can go and see what I’m doing,who or what talking about ect. He snaps at me that he doesn’t get on my accounts and to stay out of his. He uses Facebook or internet in general to do things that he’s hiding from me like cheating.
Hi, See my post below to Steve. You should demand the info or else possible separation and divorce as he is hiding things. Hiding social media from a spouse is a large red flag and this needs to end. Personally, I feel Social media is a cess pool of everyones bad emotions and vitriol and where foul people go to feed. I unplugged 2 years ago and never looked back. If you peacefully resolve this with your husband(I hope you do btw the alternative is pretty crappy) A stipulation should be that both of you unplug from social media (keeping tabs by accounting all phone logs and texts through the service provider) for a year and after that year delete all accounts. if you find things have calmed down quite a bit, a suggestion would be not to go back and delete all of them!
FACEBOOKS Relationship Status setting defaults to BLANK. If your spuse has selected single do not let them convince you it was the default Facebook Setting.
Some people might think when you create a Facebook account, Facebook automatically sets the default relationship status to “Single”.
To all the non-tech savvy cheaters out there guess what it’s not, the default status is called “blank” and this was intentional and part of “moral design”.
The default status is “Blank” and not “Single” and Facebook makes it intentionally complicated to change it to another relationship status. Electing to move from the default “Blank” status to “Single” or ”Married” is equally a complex endeavor that you cannot accidently trigger, it requires you to follow specific multiple steps which provide conscious decision to continue and complete, as moving from Blank to “ I am In Relationship” or “Married” is a deceptive choice that moral design forces the user
So, ladies if you come across your Husbands Facebook page one day his relationship status has been set to single, don’t let him blame it on a Facebook, or they nevr got time to finish the profile them because they are lying, you don’t need to finish a profile to set relationship status, and if they set it to “single”, your partner is lying, they absolutely ha to do it on purpose.
Facebook has purposely designed its relationship status process to drive accountability and trust into the Facebook environment. If your spouse’s profile was set to single, don’t let them convince you it was a default system setting that they just never got around to changing, that’s a brazen lie
Facebook engineers designed the relationship status selection process to be equality burdensome for all eight available selections. They even took great care not to place “single” and “marriage” next to each other so that a cheating spouse could claim that they mixed the two up innocently.
The other safeguard Facebook engineers built into the process is if a profile user selects the married status, they will have to name who they are married to and the year they got married. This information is not only sent to every friend connected to the profile, so their friend network knows they are married and to whom, but facebook makes sure notify the person identified as the spouse.
What does this all mean?
If one day you check your wifes facebook profile and its listed as “single” this was no facebook glitch, mistake or poor software design, your wife has consciously and deliberately made the decision to lie because discovery by a spouse can end a marriage but its way more fun to appear single and get lots of friend requests from new or past flames.
In 2008, Facebook was amazing. I loved it and encouraged everyone to sign up. 2013, things seemed to change. Facebook would ask me to friend random woman, the ones my husband was talking to a lot. To my surprise, our “open-book” closed, and I felt like I was the NSA for asking what was going on. Although, Facebook was released by some guy in College; it is a tool. That tool has wielded the power of a sword, seemingly. We have the choice to decide how to wield those tools offered to us in life.
When I wholeheartedly stepped back and looked with clear sight, I was wrapped up in work and not being present, as in the moment, with him.
Thank you for reading this. I am not telling you how you have to live your life. I am simply sharing my insights on the matter. Remember, it is your life; you are the champion of your universe; you and your partner should decide what is best for you and yours. Family and society will always have an opinion, many well-intended words of advice ; the choice is yours. We always have a choice. Sometimes it may seem like raptured happened on our “lifeboats” ; we must learn to chart for a smoother trip next time. Love is a gift; it to gift. It cost nothing to give. Loving God, yourself(as in caring for oneself) and those around, love flows naturally.
With much love to you and yours.
Luke 6:33-34
Love Your Enemies
…34 And if you lend to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit is that to you?
My case is never-ending which my wife cannot let go of her phone, has in fact increased security features so I can not even get into her Android phone; Day and late nights same thing always… and in recent times, I found she was all over Facebook groups and involved in things where a lot of our monies disappeared from our small business. Of these, heavy into Delta 8 & CBD smoking, weed, nicotine vaping, tarot cards, astrology, withcraft product resources and the like, mainly through a lady she calls her best friend in Texas, who heads a lot of online supposed spiritual crystal worshipping stuff and how she found her..
My wife’s focus has been so into EVERYTHING else, yet shreaked her duties in our family business and now we have a catastrophe here- and trying to deal with her, only leads to fights and statements such as “I have a right to do as I please” or “I have a right to feel good” or “You have no say about my phone or who I call a friend, etc”.. Yet her phone is paid for and of my own account as is our son’s, and I pay for them all.
Your wifes response is atypical of feminist garbage programing, One part of marriage is trust and her locking you out from transparency is a massive red flag she is hiding things from you- she does not have that right at all especially when it comes to fidelity and the financial implications when a divorce occurs . It is usually a very red flag when she locks her phone and obsesses over texting or IMing on social media and loses all interest in everything and every one around her. If you need to find out who she is calling as the plan is owned by you, go to the providers page (T mobile, verizon etc) and you will find the text logs with the times as well as all numbers and calls to and from your phone. I would talk to her first in a friendly manner and if she acts aggressive, give her the choice of unlocking the phone and all her passwords/forums sites she frequents as well as text messages. Tell her If she doesn’t you can subpoena these records with a lawyer for her divorce. You can also just because the account is yours, drop her phone from it before you kick her out. Texas is probably a long walk from where you probably live and she sounds pretty lazy. Good luck!
My co-worker from Iran says – Iran if the government wants to know what you are doing they torture you. In America they give you facebook.
It’s a tool to spy on you.
We have been together 15 years. He has never allowed my posts to be visible on Facebook. He always had an excuse as to why. We both recently got back onto Facebook and it has continued to be the same way as it was before. His reasoning now is that he’s in the Military and wants to protect identity; however , he allows everyone in the Military to be seen on his profile. He refuses to change his profile picture.
What if your husband so on facebook and he has all these women friends and he sends out good morning good night hav ed a bless day it starting where one of two were saying sweet dreams but He’s always home after he comes from work We are both Christians but I don’t think a married guy should be doing things like this what is your opinion?
Christine Hall – My opinion? Sweetheart, I am a man. I am a married man…and I am a christian. So please listen. You should have red flags going off everywhere. There is a reason the bible puts such an emphasis on keeping the sexes separated. While they didnt know how to explain it then, God put the drive to mate in all of us(men and women). It is POWERFUL. Even the most faithful of all men and women can fall prey to it if their not careful…I know because I nearly did. Look up the word Limmerance and learn about it. Also, he is showing no respect to you. You are his wife. Youre the only woman he should be saying sweet dreams to. Confront him, but dont be mad. Dont let your emotions guide you. We men are VERY good at manipulating you women with those. Instead trust your inner voice. Be confident. Make up your mind you deserve more respect. If he isnt willing to give it to you….be prepared to walk away. Dont say something and give in. The Bible says a husband should love his wife as Christ loved the church…and by church they meant christians…his followers. He loved them so much that he gave the ultimate sacrifice….his life. So if this is bothering you AND IT SHOULD..he should have no issue with sacrificing all them. I think you already know this. Dont be a door mat. Nobody respects that. Be the strong child of God that you are. Your strength comes from the Lord…and you know youre right.
Signs of a Controlling Relationship
It’s important you’re aware of any signs or red flags that your partner might be trying to control any aspect of your life. Just read the comments. He’s cheating on you sis.
I have been with my husband for 2 years 8 months. Our 3 years of fully being together would have been April 4th, 2021. Well we have been married 1 year 2 months almost. It would have been 1 year 2 months December 24th 2020. Well, if it hadn’t been for facebook, i wouldn’t have been cheated on and my son wouldn’t have lost his father. His father decided that it was ok to send a request, talk to some one, bring that person into our sons life and then let her kiss him. December 6th 2020 this woman kissed my husband and pulled him away from me. I never did a thing to her or him. I always treated him like the best person in the world, like he was a king and deserved everything. I know about lots of his exes and actually speak to serveral of them as i became friends with them. But this woman he is with has caused him to stay away from his son, won’t let me speak to him, does all his talking, created a new facebook profile for him using his nickname and her last name. Facebook has ruined my relationship, he was always on facebook. I know his password for his old account and know the password for everything since i am the one that helped set them up. But did that stop him, no. I trusted him as i love him and allowed him to have my trust, this woman used that trust to pull him from me. I will not allow her to keep him. I will get him back, i don’t even care that he cheated, i am more upset that he left and let this woman control him.
This is now turning as an international crisis. Why we need to chat with the opposite sex in a far off land? That is an indirect internet affair, which will gradually destroy the married life. Many honest talk with the opposite sex when continued repeatedly, that will lead some romantic tone in course of time, which will crack the solid relationship of the married life. In the olden times, in the air port-doctor’s office-restaurant etc, people used to smile each other and try to chat, now everybody is glued to their smart phone and flipping back and forth. Mere waste of time and it is indeed a devil’s tool to destroy marriages.
We are now married for 45 years. My wife always like to talk with men in front of me, also hugging some people, and it never bothered me. She started FB before I did, but had only very few friends. When I started FB, through my posting on different subjects, I got a lot of friends. My wife’s old college friend she met, he became her FB friend, and his FB friends began to request friendship by the hundreds/week. Now she has more friends, 99% men, she selects certain people. Her addiction with the chatting is now out of control, she is browsing through her phone and chatting-sending wishes-thanking for the wishes etc are causing me greater concern. She will talk only the problems of the home-money issues and past issues with me, or criticizing everything I did or doing. But, after chatting with others, she is feeling very relaxed. I don’t know, at this old age, how to handle this crisis.
I didn’t read all comments but i read few. i am totally agreed with this Facebook crap. my husband and i got married its been four years. i have been getting multiple emails on facebook regarding his character what should i do please someone assist me. my husband says i should delete the account or shouldn’t put pics. is there anyway i do something about this ?
Whoever invented Facebook should be imprisoned for causing hurt and devastation in numerous marriages. My wife is addicted to Facebook and has a few male friends whom she keeps in contact with.
Husbands or wives who think it’s ok to spend hours talking to to “friends” on Facebook instead
Of talking to their partners Are heading for disaster
My husband told some one know I love you
It broke my heart and trust does not exist
There have been several issues with past ex s it’s ok for him to talk about his conquests but if I bring them up he says it’s the past and none of my buisness
One of his ex’s he said he slept with her once in our house whilst she was staying here but knew the first night that it would not work so tried to get her out despite that he took her away 5 months later and had sex
Another woman he only had sex with once alledgely a philipino tramp her sister wanted him to marry
Yet slept in the same bed for ten nights with her went back 3 months later and said nothing happened
He has had so many ex’s most of which I found out about after we married
He’s on face book messenger for hours do I trust him no
I love him but all my self respect has gone
He’s hurt me
WOW, there are a lot of insecure people commenting here. If Facebook is causing a problem in your relationship, then there is already something wrong in your relationship.
David, people like you should be sent to Mars
I agree David completely very insecure, those that say different are in denial
Calling BS on insecure. Holding a mirror up to someone exposing them for what they’ve done isn’t insecure, it’s courageous. That isn’t something a player wants to happen they want to get away with it, so junior high name calling doesn’t work with me just like it won’t work with most adults. In the end, cheaters lose their family, their reputation and get to lay down with someone who’s just as trustworthy and disease free as they are – so maybe they’re the ones that wind up insecure. Or in a clinic!
Theres nothing insecure about protecting one’s own marriage.
Google Partner Poachers. Some people are despicable.
Just dealt with this garbage. Why would any self respecting woman need to post disgusting pictures of herself and befriend a harem of married men? Maybe because she’s a nutbar that was dumped by her boyfriend for someone 25 years younger. She wants in inflict her pain on other people. Instead of seeking help, she uses Facebook. Pathetic.
My husband of 33 years was leaving hearts and telling a coworker she is absolutely gorgeous, beautiful, looking good,breath taking etc. There were also private messages,which he was deleting until I accidentally caught one. He thinks he done nothing wrong. I think he did
HI,
So, the other day I guess my husband that I have been madly in love with and married to for 20 years shows me some pix on his ever so private facebook acct. OMG
i guess he forgot to uncheck the box that says “WIDOWED” I don’t have the “right” to see all his friends as he says, and he was apparently mad when he posted that. yeah right. Why not put on the 3 other accounts?? he thinks i don’t know he has. I cant bounce from this. I know deep in my guy what that says in every unspoken word.
Him: Ya, I have 2 kids I raise alone as my wife of 20 years died, oh you poor thing.
too make it worse our son had cancer at age 4, I have devoted my life to my family and the recovery of our son. He has the nerve? Anyone know a really really good attorney???
Woman Scorned is a understatement.
Facebook is causing issues with my marriage due to their algorithms and ways they show posts. Neither my wife nor I flirt with people on facebook, but I do go on facebook for about 5 minutes at a time, quickly scroll through posts, make one or two comments, like a few things. One issue: none of the posts that show in my news feed are from my wife. Her posts simply don’t show up unless she tags me. I know find out that she feels like I’m ignoring her and paying attention to other less important people by liking/commenting on their posts. I’ve used the settings to switch her profile to “view first” and still nothing! Going forward I have to remind myself to actively click on her profile before scrolling through my news feed. I looked it up and it seems like facebook is doing this to a lot of spouses (i.e. not showing their posts).
Lets just say…Today is my husbands bday and we have been together for 8 years in which he has never mentioned me on it and the one time he did after years of asking he erased it cuz of an argument… Today it hit me hard knowing that he knows it bothers me and that on his Bday I cant post a wishful bday but I have him a cake and food made and a gift… he doesnt get it and i hate how it makes me feel…So as a present I got papers to file…Enough is Enough
Really???? You can’t divorce over Facebook likes and dislikes if the secular law allows you this they are full of…. shaving cream.
I was him I wouldn’t sign and fight this.
You can only divorce over him cheating or physical or some emotional abuse not for not mentioning you on Facebook OMFG! what people freak on now PFFT!
You’re silly and immature. Social media is a real thing with real people and there’s no reason for her HUSBAND to be hiding her. He has other issues and insecurities that are being displayed through his actions of her not even being able to comment? It’s not ‘just’ social media- it’s real relationships. Some should reflect, learn or inquire further before judging. Don’t like your reply.
I have a husband who’s been married three times before me. He is friends with every woman except the one he had a child with. I have expressed feelings of discontent and I’m not the same way on FB. I stay away from that door.
He unfriended her for some time then refriended her after dust settled again. It is disrespectful and makes me think he’s looking for something else but hasn’t told me yet. To say the least I hate him for it and shw certainly did better after him so she improved her circumstances but that is neither here nor there. So I’m not sure why they continue to banter back and forth. Other than they are both disgusting and disrespectful. That’s my summation.
Sounds like you have plenty of other issues. If you told him it made you uncomfortable with him being friends with her on FB and he is not adhering to that, then you have grounds to be upset. But your words belie someone generally not happy. You hate him for this? And his ex traded up from him? Gee, I’m sure that’s great for his ego. Marriages are a two-way street.
My marriage was annulled. I will say that her interest in social media often outweighed her interest in the marriage.
We should all have days when we get away from our smart phones completely and party like it’s 1999.
My wife’s addiction to chatting is now out of control. Her picture with her luxury car created a flood of friend’s request from her homeland. She began to accept many. She is 66 tears old. While I go to bed at 9 PM, though I tell here to come to bed, she will tell an excuse that she has to watch the news starts at 11 PM. Never doubted her that she was chatting with somebody, but I caught her chatting with somebody after 11. What she was chatting? She doesn’t want to talk with me much, but loves chatting and they want to talk with her through phone which she is declining. I am afraid that her regular chat with somebody will be breaking the marriage of somebody at the other side of the globe. Facebook has been turned as a ruining influence now. Can we see anybody in a doctor’s office and airport looking to the person sitting close to them? No, everybody is at the smart phone. Marriage problems and divorces will be increasing rapidly around the world.
If you are married, you should not have opposite-sex friendships. If you are having any social contact with a person of the opposite sex, it should only be as part of a larger gathering, e.g., couples, families, neighbors, co-workers, etc. You should not be chatting with them on FB, having coffee or lunch together, etc.
Hey guys, is it too much to expect a wife who doesnt use any social media in this hyper-social-connected world.. I dont use facebook, whatsapp, twitter or anything.. and i expect the same from my other-half-to-be… Is it too much? Please be honest. I am often very worried seeing the women all around me glued to their cell phones typing like a machine.
You can certainly endeavor to find a partner who thinks and feels similarly to you. There are definitely people who agree with you.
Absolutely it is NOT too much to ask. You guys are married now and these are changes that should just be considered without having to ask. The new state of mind is that all the bad things are good. Oh your spouse deserves privacy, oh it’s great to have friends they’re SO important, oh everyone deserves to have friends ofopposite sex if you don’t like it it’s your problem you’re insecure. I’m so SICK of that mindset and no wonder people don’t value marriage or even family half the time because their friends take priority. I say grow up it’s not all about the social life once you get married settle with your family and if you have friends be open and honest and share. All this mine is mine yours is ours promotes selfishness and we all know that’s bad for any situation let alone marriage. I agree with you I wasn’t into any social media but my husband had it a couple times after lying to me saying he didn’t. Wanna know the truth? We’re ALL alittle insecure but that’s not the issue. The issue is when we feel insecure the answer we get is usually something that will only reinforce our fears. I asked my husband to not be so shady with his phone. He always leaves to answer it and makes sure the screen is where I can’t see it even if we’re in the same room. We argued over this girl who’s like twelve yrs younger then him very innapropriate messages were found and he still tried to deny it. Instead of being open however he then smashed his phone in a rage and blamed me for it. Lemme tell you something even with EVIDENCE people will lie lie lie. So I’m with you I asked him no more social media can we not do that he just lies and hides it. Why can’t people actually consider the feelings of their wife/husband more then the stupid friends? By the way this friend was no friend at all since she didn’t respect our marriage and he disrespect me too by lying and then acting like I’m wrong for feeling the way I do. There’s no perfect answer but I tell you you are not wrong in feeling the way you do. I feel the same way. I’m kind of old school for thirty. I am not with the baggage of SECRET opposite sex friends and the potential bs it can cause. IN FACT I’ve learned that friends aren’t even real half the time so why people prioritize them boggles my damn mind.
You are just wrong. If you’re significant other, or you for that matter, is flat-out not allowed to have any kind of relationship with someone of the opposite sex, then there are much deeper problems in your relationship, and in your own mind. If you need to control your partner that much, and restrict their access to anyone, then you you should not be in a relationship. Because it is not healthy.
No! you’re in the wrong, just this very attitude that thinks it’s ok to chat flirt with whoever you like that is why so many can’t stay married.
You actually have no clue about human nature and what doors this kind of thing opens. Or if you did you would have never said such a thing.
It’s not only spiritually dysfunctional what you said even in most secular courts it doesn’t work.
As with what has been said on other sites it opens up an emotional relationship that can and does open up to an affair.
My guess is you’re 20 something and have lots of women friends but I also wager if you’re in a relationship I’d ask her if it bothers her, Plus I’d wager if she had lots of male friends you’d be a bit irked as well. If you say no You’re a liar. Seriously men and women while in a relationship need to stay the heck away from each other as much as possible, unless of course you have no true love for her/ him and are just being a selfish person thinking you can do whatever you want and not jeopardize it.
You are so right csaaphill. My wife of twelve years stays on Facebook. She is the kind of person that feels like she has to stay in contact with every person she has ever known, and she does. I’ve seen comments on her facebook that she has left open a few times talking to old guy friends leaving her cell phone number on there for them to contact her. I asked her about it one time and she just says…were just old friends. Most of the time I just forgot about it like an idiot. One time I saw that she has posted an old guy friend she new for one of her girlfriends stating she had run into him and then ending up stopping at his house to look at old pictures from the past of all of them together. Well, about a month ago she says she so depressed she wants to leave. She hasn’t been back since, but calls or text me everyday. Facebook is not a good thing unless you have it posted as a family type deal. Having a page that is separate for your own if your married causes problems.
You are so right and have a lot of wisdom. Never let someone take your wisdom from you. Selfish is the truth- too many are worried about their own mission than protecting their sacred union. Stand for what you know and believe in. It’s sad that 2 people get paired together and one of them gets a partner that will look ahead for the sake of their marriage while the other just goes and does whatever they “feel” like doing in the moment. I have your same views, I trust my husband but don’t trust other women – I don’t care who you are if you are in the right situation at the right time anything can happen. I have watched some of the best marriages fall apart because of social media. I have had family members cheat on their spouse that “would have never cheated-ever” do it because their were no boundaries. No marriage is perfect and every person is in a funk from time to time – you know unhappy because that’s what marriage is not perfect 100% of the time BUT grow up and work through it for the one you say you “love”. So sad how many women Feel they are not safe in their marriages and have to put up with liars and cheaters. My unsolicited advice is to let that ship sail. You deserve a man who will make you feel safe and not like you have to look over your shoulders all the time. It’s sad how the one who cares so much is the one whose views get twisted like your the one with issue. So twisted.
The issue of whether it’s ok for married couples to have opposite sex friends is controversial. Those who are against having opposite sex friends foolishly believe that banning opposite sex friends will protect their marriage. What happens if your spouse is secretly homosexual? They could easily have an affair with one of their same-sex friends. What are you going to do? Ban ALL friendships? What happens if your spouse works with someone they are at their job? Are you going to ban them from going to work? Are you going to ban them from speaking to certain people? I had a roommate that banned her boyfriend from having opposite sex relationships. Guess what he did? He cheated on her.
Remember, it takes two people to have a relationship. A woman can flirt all she wants with your husband, for example, but if your husband resists her advances, then an affair cannot occur. The question you need to ask yourself is: do you trust your spouse? If you feel like they need constant babysitting in order to avoid temptation, then you may want to reevaluate your marriage; it doesn’t sound like you have a good spouse at all.
I’ve been married over a yr.now to make this short my wife is a Facebook addict. She’s on fb at work and at home, she thinks the more “friends” she has the better she will add anyone.she acts like a 42 yr old teenager, she will not share any passwords and she has went as far as hiding her friends list. I think the biggest thing that bothers me is that when she is on Facebook she will not take my phone calls or texts. When she is at work she used to call on her breaks but now she will call just to tell me she doesn’t get a break and will call me later then be on Facebook for the next half hour or so.when I ask her about it she denies being online and when I point out her posts and show her it was done after she told me there were no breaks she gets mad and tells me to stop stalking her.
That is definitely a concern. If there is nothing to hide, then what is the problem. When people hide something and I am not trying to start anything, there is usually a reason for that.
You haven’t thought about that it might be OTHER PEOPLE’S private life that you want to protect with your password? For instance, if my best friend (a woman, if it matters) is very unhappy and cannot sleep one night, and I stay up and text her and try to comfort her, and she tells me horrible things about sexual abuse in her childhood for instance, that she has never told anyone else. Do you mean that I have to let my husband read this conversation, if he asks for it?
And there MIGHT also be things that I want to discuss with my old girl friends, things from our childhood and youth, that I do not feel ready to tell my husband about yet. There can be many reasons why you “have something to hide”, that have nothing to do with trying to find another man to have sex with… If my husband would demand my passwords from me, that would mean that our marriage would be over.
Thats a problem! I leave my facebook open a lot, have my wife posted and she can pick up my phone at anytime to see whats going on there.
It fosters trust and keeps me in check should an idle time try to stretch my imaginations!
you get the point?
My wife spends copious amounts of time on Facebook when she is at home. When I mention it to her that she is on her phone too much and that things on Facebook do not change that much, she gets extremely irate about it and fires back at me that she doesn’t get to sit on the computer or phone all day long (I work with computers on a daily basis with an IT degree). She is on her phone all day long as well and then comes home and gets on her phone. There have been several times where she has closed out something really fast when I walked into the room or sat down in my chair beside her. I know my wife’s Facebook password and she knows mine because of transparency, but it is just funny how she is secretive with Facebook at times. She has friended singles guys that she has went to school with and there is one that she talks to from time to time that I can tell that he is trying to flirt with her through the messages.
Your wife sounds just like me in many ways. I can’t say for sure what’s going on with HER, but I can maybe give perspective on what’s going on with me. I’m not doing anything wrong or seedy on facebook, or my phone. My husband also would complain constantly, although I don’t know HOW he’d know I was on my phone all day when he’s at work? Anyway, I only have so much housework and chores to do, and since we didn’t have a television, and with the kids off at school, frankly, I’d get bored. He didn’t want me to get a job, so that was out of the question. Basically, I’d get a bit private (secretive) because it just doesn’t feel safe to be open with him. He’d take whatever I said or did and twist it around and use it against me anytime we’d have an argument about ANYTHING. This has caused him to accuse me of having an affair on more then one occasion over the years. He’s a computer guy, and so he’s very smart, and knows how to manipulate and twist words, and circumstances to his advantage. Like I said, I can’t speak for your wife, but in my case, I’m not doing anything wrong, it’s just safer in general to follow the rule of the less said and known, the better. Be honest with yourself: Is there ANY way at all you could be just a bit controlling and manipulative? Do you view arguments as wars to be won at all cost? My husband does, and he is more then willing to play as dirty as it gets to win one. So yes, the less I tell him, the better.
lol good post.. me nor my wife use fakebook.. Thank God!
Tj, it sounds like you’re married to a Scorpio.
I’m sorry t.j, but “WRONG” starts way before full penetration. Most people don’t set out to have affairs, it starts out small (like “innocent” flirting on facebook or in person with the guy at work). Little by little you inch out into the water until you’re in over your head and far away from the shore. I’ve seen this happen to two different women in my lifetime. Both destroyed their marriages and their families lives. It isn’t about the husband being controlling as you state. One of the responsibilities of a husband is to protect his wife. Especially, if she is so naïve about the dirtbag men out there just looking to score.
I took the agonising step of separating from my Husband
Saw a message pop up on my wife’s facebook while we were driving from an old ex-boyfriend who she dated for about a year, two years before we married (we are on year 11 now with two kids). She has drunkenly talked about him in the past so I knew his name and that they had a good relationship marred by his depression.
I looked at the message and didn’t say anything, but later looked at the message log . Yikes! He reached out three years ago when divorcing and commented about our new house, how much he missed her, and then proceeded to disrespect me by calling me a “bear” and a “manchild” (even though we’ve never met, however, I’m a strong 6’4” but also highly educated with a professional career.) He also talked about how she should have a c-section since I was so big and our kid would tear her apart (WHAT!!!) Her comment was “Ha, Ha, my husband and family are great!” The rest of her messaging is just newsy.
Should I confront her? Nothing she said was bad, but I can’t believe what he wrote and that it didn’t anger her. He’s a state away, but I’ve actually considered confronting him. Should I let it go or get mad?
Sounds like she is handling it fine, but keep an eye on it.
She was angry but didn’t want to get in a fight, hence the “HA, Ha……”
Keep an eye on it cause the guy can clearly see what you have made out of her and wants in.
She handled it well but you might want her to cut all links! Her unwillingness to get into a fight with him can be advantageous to him in the long run.
I found out my husband had a Facebook acct by accident, actually I found out 3 separate times. Each time he would apologize and supposedly delete it. This last time I found out that he had it for 7 years behind my back and was lying to me every single day. What made it worse is that he had his entire family on it and he had single on his profile, not one picture of us or me. He made inappropriate comments to a woman he went to high school with. It has devastated me. It has destroyed every bit of trust I had with him, broken my heart, humiliated me. I feel beyond betrayed. I don’t know why? He hasn’t been upfront about any of it and the only answers I get are “I don’t know” or “I don’t remember” or continuing to deny certain things. I’m giving him a chance by starting counseling but I just don’t know. I have had no secrets from him. Everything I have is open to him. I would never risk our marriage or hurting him so it’s extremely hard to understand why or how he could.
Its the women these days that spend too much time on their phones … not the men i did a bit of research online and its true … they seems to walk around streets glued to their phones rather being in the safest place in their bags tweeting / facebooking what they are doing every second … and whats worse of all having a Mobile Phone on the table at all times in a resturant waiting for notifications … even its worse at cinemas and concerts
SIMPLE … Put the phone away and socialise in a decent manner .. if facebook is better than family then and kids and friends .. then you need a life …
Years ago i never had a phone in school we all used our brains .. today its looking for answers on the phone …
For once … be a real person.. use the phone for phone calls … leave the internet at home when you need it and communicate with people around you …
Your analysis is incorrect. Some men and women are obsessed with their phones. However, many people use them when they need to reach out to someone, get directions, follow up, etc. If you based your opinion on research you did online, that is telling.
There is nothing wrong with online research. Data and siren are there 24/7 for people that know how to wield it!
Very interesting article because I am faced with this situation. All my passwords are at my wife’s finger tips but I have no clue to any of hers. She has a Facebook account and is always on there and getting messages on her phone, which I can not see. It is like she is living a separate and secret life in which I am not allowed in or part of. it goes on to other things as well. I had to go to Athens, Greece for work and asked her to come along because I thought she would like it. While I was working, she would go out and take pictures. When I got back to the hotel room, I asked to see the pictures and she shrugged me off. The next night I asked again and she shrugged me off. The third night I asked and she yelled “Here! Take them!!” and slammed the card from her camera down on the desk. Ouch! Call me old fashioned, by I thought when you get married, you share everything with each other. Either I am part of her life or I am not. Looks like I am not.
Hi!
It looks like it worked and I can contribute without my photo being out there for all to see.
I had an ex find me forty years after we broke up. It was a bad break up and for a while he stalked me. So I am not sure why for the life of me, I answered his message to me on Facebook and why I continued to chat with him until we moved our messages to a private forum and then exchanged phone numbers and ended up a four year connection that we both couldn’t seem to end.
I almost lost everything and for a while, I couldn’t imagine giving up the connection. My husband allowed it at first. He knew I had horrible memories of our relationship and felt that maybe getting closure would help our marriage where I could move on. Mistake #1 (Feeling that I was being honest with my husband) Mistake #2 was moving it past the messages and not just accepting his apology for past abuse and moving on.
As soon as we heard each other’s voices we were in trouble. Slowly we talked about memories. He allowed me to remember the bad stuff and I felt very validated. And from there… it got very out of control. Sometimes I felt as if I was outside of myself watching a movie with me sneaking around. The first time we met, I felt like throwing up the whole way there. I never didn’t know what I was doing. But I never felt like it was an affair because we knew each other and he was my first everything. He wasn’t a stranger I was flirting with… I guess we kind of felt entitled. I am writing a book about the whole journey, the abuse, the phantom validation and finally coming to terms and telling my husband the truth and the longer journey letting go and restoring my marriage. I never have a day where I don’t think about him. Where as, before we reconnected, I thought about him but months in-between could go by before I’d think about him again. I have done this to me. And it will always haunt me. I am here to warn you. There is no such thing as closure when you open up that door on Facebook. Which should be called Pandora’s Box
I wish I’d found this six years ago. I had to have been going through some kind of female mid-life crisis. I really didn’t even know what hit me.
I was physically and emotionally abused as a teenager by my fiancé. We were together for only 3 years, but our relationship changed my life forever. It took a lot of effort to break up and he stalked me for months until finally he moved on. SO WHAT IN THE WORLD made me respond to a Facebook Message 40 years later?! I am still trying to figure it out. And I’ve started to write a book about the journey. I almost lost my family over it. I feel that it has something to do with being a co-dependent and wanting to go back and fix things. We met twice. I also feel that maybe I wanted him to see what he missed. Not that I am some great catch but he showed up confessing that I was the one that got away and it felt good for a while. Stupid me.
My marriage is on the verge of ending. It’s been rocky for the last 2 years or so and we’ve only been married for 5 years. Three weeks after getting married I found my husband sneaking and talking to a girl he went to high school with. He even went to see her. When I confronted him he made me out to be the bad guy. Said I’m so jealous he can’t be honest with me. I’ve discovered at least 3 more instances where things were going on behind my back. Every time he says nothing is going on and I’m the reason he doesn’t tell me things. We used to share a Facebook but recently separated them. Since then I found him talking to another girl. He’s now changed his password and put a lock on his phone. He took the lock off when I confronted him. I’ve asked to go back to sharing a Facebook and he says he’d rather just delete his account. If he’d share passwords with me or share an account I would be totally fine. What should I do? He always makes things out to be my insecurities and he just can’t live like this. He told me he’s leaving me at the beginning of the year. I just want his honesty!
Your Husband is not married anymore in his fantasies. He’s addicted.
Get out now and find a real man who knows how to be faithful and make you his queen!,
My husband is a serial cheater. I am trying still to this day to get past it all and move on. I just wanted to know I wasn’t crazy…
It is not OK for your husband to have friends on FB that he cheated on you with, right? Or even slept with in the past? He thinks it is no big deal lol. Please give me any normal insight.
Thanks!!
No it is not OK for him to continue a FB relationship with someone he cheated on with you during your relationship. However, I don’t agree it is wrong in all circumstances to have to cut off all communications with past relationships that happened prior to your relationship starting.
NO! It’s not ok! Why are you allowing your husband to treat you this way? I am sure you are a good person and you deserve better. Without trust, you will never be happy, and your husband doesn’t seem interested in staying faithful to you, letalone working to restore that trust. Don’t live like this. Life is too short.
My husband thinks that I am crazy for wanting him to delete certain women from his Facebook. We are in our late 40’s and only been married 2 years. These are women with whom I am not friends in real life not on Facebook. He lived a life of drug abuse for over half his life and has never been married until me. He has a subtle flirtatious nature that he honestly doesn’t realize most of the time. These women are not a part of his daily life other than Facebook. There are a couple that will hit like or love on anything he posts, no matter what. He could post a pile of dog poop and they are going to hit like. He has a tendency to hit like on individual pictures of them but not pictures that include their family or spouse if they have one. I have begged him to simply delete these people not because I don’t trust him but because I don’t trust them. There have been private message conversations as well with a few. Not anything dirty but to a point where I see easily an emotional connection could be established. He just says I am petty and childish, that hurts. It’s like these people mean more to him than i do. What do I do?
Wow, I can’t even get onto my husband’s computer let alone his facebook account! He has so many passwords. I am not on Facebook as I don’t like it. I’m on my computer often but have no need or desire to keep anything from him. Sometimes ignorance is bliss and sometimes is just plain stupidity! Been married 17 years, I’m to the point I don’t care anymore! Great article BTW!
I’m with you…..I just don’t care anymore. Tired of trying.
Hi Pat, I do not have FB anymore…my relationship suffered because of it. My wife however still has FB and because of the past issues with me and FB we decided to create a mutual one, very plain and simple. However she still retains hers and has her settings at the highest so whenever she changes profile pics I cannot see the likes or comments made by her friends.
She says I am not in the place to start viewing because of my jealousy issues.
Though she does tell me when men are inappropriate with messages or comments and she would block or delete them.
She likes to change up her profile and background pic quite often and most pics of hers are gorgeous.
I trust her but not the other men.
Btw her personality is very nice and friendly which I would think some men on her FB take it the way that they could try to pick her up…makes me mad.
Jason,
I too am very jealous and have trust issues which I feel, no, I know, stems from my cheating. I have always been pretty jealous which actually started from my ex who I cheated with. When we were younger (me in my teens and him in his early twenties) it was like a game to him trying to make me jealous. But I KNOW that because I know now what I am capable of, I expect the same lack of character from everyone else. Which I know is stupid. But I feel that being put in a position where an inappropriate opportunity could slither in should be avoided at all costs.
Facebook is good at fooling us into not being as accountable as if we were in person. It’s like a drug that leads to wanting more contact and more intense fixes. At the same time, because we had a lack of judgment, we can’t assume our spouses will. But I GET it. It’s hard to not assume because we, or at least I know that I never in a million years ever believed I’d do anything as remotely close to what I did and Never would have guessed it would have been with who it was with. So in turn, we know ourselves and we are sickened by what we did. But if us, why not them? I get it. But our insecurities are from us. Not them. But I KNOW without a doubt the jealous ones are always the most guilty.
My husband had a page and it was private and I kept asking him for a friend request and I asked him why is his page private. He is so defensive he would never give me a straight answer. He page was private but I could still see who his friends were and there she was his old high school girlfriend and he still lied about her. I left him for awhile and we got back together. One night I wanted some ice cream he went to the store to get it. His Facebook was up and I went to his messages. He had been conversing with another lady while he was out of work and I had to take on $1300 a month rent, lights, car payment food insurance etc. By myself with him cheating on Facebook all day!
I don’t know if I’m being over sensitive but I’m about ready to give up on my marriage. My husband cheated on me and I wanted to try to work things out. He has a password on the computer so I’m using my phone or kindle. If I do ,rarely, use the computer… he hovers over me until I’m finished. If he runs out to the store for 10 minutes he shuts it down. I’m not an idiot and realize he’s hiding something. I know quite a few of his friends know about his affair and he doesn’t seem to care if he further embarrasses me . On Facebook if one of his friends posts a crude photo he always has to make a comment ,as if its a turn on. I just feel like I look like the biggest fool on the planet. Maybe I am.
I’ve read many of these posts. I think Facebook especially is a menace. I got my boyfriend into it to talk with fans & give him something to do when traveling to kill time on the plane & at airports. Due to a stalker we removed all the fans & use it personally. We shared his as I didn’t want a Facebook account … so freakin invasive!
Well, he has lots of ex lovers and many friend him (yes it kisses me off because he cheated on me with these people a long time ago) … what I hate most is no matter how open and honest he is with his account, it seems Facebook keeps changing the way its messenger works to HELP cheaters hide stuff.
I noticed after the last app update there is a “secret conversation” ability so that if we both have access to his messenger, there still can be a “secret conversation” stated that only shows up in the device that starts it!!! WTF
Facebook is making itself purposefully “deceptive” … why does ANYONE NEED TO HAVE SECRET CONVERSATIONS in Facebook 😡
It’s not Facebook’s fault. Blaming the technology just gives people a pass for poor behavior. People need to take responsibility for their actions and not blame a tool.
Facebook isn’t the main cheating issue anymore. It’s snapchat. Both my wife and I have always had each others Facebook passwords, so naturally you don’t do stuff you shouldn’t do. She installed snapchat because one of her friends told her it was the new way to go. For months I never suspected its use because i didnt understand that it clears history automatically. Then one day by accident I was next to her phone while she wasn’t there and I saw an alert for a snapchat from a guy I didn’t know. I probably shouldn’t have looked at it…. And actually wish I hadn’t because the content of the message indicated the two of them had an inappropriate relationship that had been going on for months. It destroyed me. Married for 10 years, together for 13, 2 kids and just by chance I see a message that would have cleared without me knowing.
If your spouse uses snapchat a lot and is protective of their phone, things might not be all good any more.
How insecure do you have to be to let Facebook ruin your life? Maybe the Facebook user isn’t the problem, maybe you are.
What a ridiculous statement. 1. No one “lets” Facebook do anything. 2. The Facebook user involved in inappropriate behavior is responsible for a concern, conversation, argument, breakup, divorce. 3. Many people are smart, not insecure if they don’t like their partner privately keeping company on Facebook with members of the opposite sex under the guise of “friendship”. 4. Many people have spouses with a limited moral compass, or someone going through a midlife crisis, for starters. They may be spending too much time with “friends” and not enough with their own partner. That is a disaster waiting to happen. I just had a conversation with my husband’s “friend” who gave me the same line about being insecure because I felt her postings were inappropriate. The woman does not even know my name, never met me and sure does not know my marriage history. Look, if you innocently share a friendly post with a man or woman and their spouse says “I don’t like that”, chances are the spouse may have very good reasons for their response.
I started a Facebook page about five years ago. Everything about it seemed to be fine between me and my wife until she stated she wanted to use it. Thus she would also need the password. I gave her the password but over the past three years or so, her Facebook activity has grown to be so much more than my own. She has added about 50 friends of her own. I’ve come to realize that she has co-opted my name “Douglas” and every comment, every like, every message she writes to her friends is identified as “Douglas,” while her friends are all using their own names, not their husbands’ names. She’s the only one using my name. My activity on this Facebook page has reduced to almost nothing as I have other endeavors. So she essentially has co-opted my Facebook page. Yesterday, I decided (with advice from several friends at work) to change the name from Douglas to Linda (her name). Oh I forgot to say that a week ago, one of her friends started a Facebook “message group” and they use the messaging constantly. It’s now over 400 messages in just a few days, and every message creates a “notification.” So I changed the name, but sure, I can hang around and sort of be the “manager” if she wants. But she had texted me today saying, “Change it back to Douglas”, so she is insisting on this sort of “identity theft” or “identity borrowing” and she wants to continue messaging, commenting, etc, as “Douglas” , as me. I don’t like it. You can’t change the name back for 60 days, and she doesn’t know that yet. I’m in a bunch of deep kimshi. Any advice???
You should have NEVER agreed to share your account with her. She should have gotten her own. It’s your own fault. Tell her to get her own.
Close the account and then let Linda do her own thing on her own dime. There seems to be more to this weird ID thing that what it seems. Tell Linda you did not like what was going on. Some married people sometimes forget the whole point of being married, that your first priority is your spouse along with a duty to love, honor, respect, and be loyal. Don’t back down. We all do strange and sometimes destructive stuff. If our spouse complains about our bad behavior, they are not the bad guy.
My husband is a wonderful man, but he definitely has some insecurities. I have always been friends with other guys, but whenever I got with my husband I tried to respect his insecurities and I only was around men that I had to be around I. E. No interest in. We both agreed whenever we were first married that facebook was nothing but problems and we would NEVER be a part of it. Well cut to a couple of years later and I had found a game that I really liked playing but everytime I tried to do anything in the game it wouldn’t let me saying that I needed to be on facebook to continue. I asked my husband if I could make a facebook page and use a fake name, he reluctantly agreed and I sent some friend requests to people I worked with and family members. A few years later my husband made an account and that’s when crap hit the ceiling. I still really tried to only “like” things that I knew wouldn’t seem suspicious but even with family pictures of people, like when a friend’s husband and kids were in the picture, he would think that I was liking the picture because I liked the guy that was in it. Not true at all, I just liked the picture because I wanted to show my friend that I was interested in her life. We had a couple of arguments but we always worked through it. Then I friended an old friend from high school that was also my husband’s friend on facebook but I didn’t tell my husband that I had. I really don’t know why I friended him, I have no interest in him in anyway, but I did it knowing that my husband would not like it. My husband was going through his facebook and saw where I liked a picture of this mutual friends and when he questioned me over it, I lied to him. Extremely unsure of why I did that other than I really didn’t want to hurt my husband’s feelings and I didn’t want to deal with the anger that I knew he would have. Of course whenever you lie to someone, they then don’t believe a word that you tell them and he started disbelieving me about everything. I love my husband with all my heart and I have messed up extremely badly, I never should have gotten facebook, I don’t even play that game anymore!, and now we are getting a divorce because of my stupidity. I’m completely heartbroken and nothing can fix it. My advice to anyone married is to not have facebook unless you truly don’t want to be with your spouse anymore. I regret it tremendously and I regret not listening to the love of my life, my soulmate, when he asked me not to do it. I have broken us and I have to live with that for the rest of my life
Do you really think all of these issues are solely because of Facebook? I can’t get over the people on here blaming Facebook for all the problems in their relationships. Your husband was clearly insecure, and if he is divorcing you over that, he is not much of a man.
It seems you’re missing the actual point… Facebook, in and of itself, is not at fault & I’m pretty certain none of these people said or believe that Facebook is literally & solely to blame for their spouse’s secret relationships. It unquestionably did, however, provide all the necessary conveniences & means by which they were able to establish them. And were it not for Facebook, it’s quite possible, even probable that those relationships would never have gotten started.
Where Facebook & Snapchat ABSOLUTELY ARE to blame, is that by design, they encourage & protect spousal deception. PERIOD!
My husband and I have each other’s passwords to all our online accounts. We’ve never had an issues and we’ve been together for 11 year’s and married for 10 I guess it all depends on the relationship between the couple in this case.
My husband is always on facebook . And when i got to check is phone he goes to lock it so i cant aee what hes doing . He has a password for messaging his photos literally everything on his phone. Please help me what should i do ????
I allow complete access to my online activities. My wife however does not. She guards her phone like fort knox. She has had two extramarital sexual affairs using social media as a means of communication. Both with people she didn’t really know and without protection.
I’ve been put hell and as far as these fools saying that it’s private no such thing in a marriage! !!!
I totally agree. In a marriage, there’s no such thing as privacy. Each spouse should have each other passwords. This allows openness, transparency, and keeps trust intact.
Mostly women disagree because women are constantly being pursued by guys on social media. And it feeds their incessant need to be told how pretty they are. If at all possible, try to avoid women who are into social media. Plus, it adds no value to the world.
Wrong. Chances are most of the women being “pursued by guys on social media” laugh to themselves about it or ignore the men pursuing them. You don’t know why or the hows involved unless you are some kind of wizard. If a married man or woman entertains way too much conversation and attention from someone other than their spouse, the married person is the one with the serious emotional imbalance, and possibly with the serious legal problems. Whether it is on FB, at Happy Hour, on the train, the public library or even church. Some married people with good looks and a charming manner, and plain regular people like myself with a nice smile and disposition know how to keep inappropriate attention of the opposite sex away. And some for whatever reason, encourage it.
I think this is a very useful article, frankly, I have men try to talk to me online. I used social media for good cause not to flirt or seeking new friends. Often, have new people reaching out and tried to talk to me. When I feel the conversation rather lead me to an uncomfortable situation, I often shot it down quick. Often, many women would try to connect to my spouse, as he often put his photo on his profile etc. He is innocent but I know how it works online. Many of my friends who are no longer with their former partner/spouse/husband or wife, a lot of issues started from talking to someone online and try to make a conversation. It’s up to us to control, cheating is a sin.. and I know we have to be secure of ourselves but sometimes, we never know what the devil have in mind or tried to wrack our marriage. My spouse let me deal with it right away and I have no problem putting them back to their corner politely. I had to deal with one today, she’s not very good lair though but glad that my spouse is on the same page 🙂 I just tired of having to deal with it too often, my husband is a good man, some people think its the matter of insecurity or what so ever but frankly, glass always greener on another side (until they get there!) Another person tried to msg my husband earlier today and tried to use her personal problem to connect with him and hopefully will lead into another, we don’t have anything to hide at our end, we talk about things, as we know how important it is to stay loyal to one another. I just got tired of seeing how much these women try so hard to approached a man and using mind games. SO anyway, I politely message the person who sent the message to my husband but she then went onto so offensive mode and started to name calling me.. on top of that she also using god names in appropriate way (before she started to name calling me and insulting me with her Facebook messages!) — I am sorry I am not trying to bored anyone with my story, I can related to this article so much 🙂
I am of two minds about this. I don’t think, by default, it is necessary for a husband and wife to have each other’s passwords. There are legitimate reasons for a level of privacy between spouses. However, my wife had an affair, and then, only two months after it was discovered and we were supposedly working on things, she started an online affair with someone overseas. Even after multiple confrontations about it, she continues to communicate with him and visits his Facebook page sometimes 15 or 20 times a day! She hides it from me as much as she can, but I am savvy enough to find out at least basics. So, in a situation such as I am in, I think that there would be some logic to both people having each other’s passwords. It would help the cheater control his/her behavior and help restore trust.
My husband just defriended me on Facebook. I feel less important than any of his 40 FB friends from his past, very few friends are in his present. Additionally, he has had to be coaxed to like any of my posts, when all of my posts have involved him and been loving. He frequently reads aloud funny posts to me from one of the mothers of his children. He constantly comments on his daughters’ posts. There has been little encouragement from him to have his family include me in any way as he says it’s totally my responsibility to get them to like and accept me. He defriended me because it got so bad this week I cried about it this morning. He blamed FB aka me,for it and solved the problem by letting it come between us and eliminating me not FB. I’m writing here because he is incapable of listening or unserstanding. I am at my wits end. I bemieve there is litwrally hanxwriting on the wall or post, what have you.
People he is not saying read and invade everything they do and when you get married you are as one HELLO
My husband and I recently celebrated 24 years of marriage – and we have always known each other’s passwords or codes, in fact in many cases they are the same just separate social media accounts. The ‘issue’ I have is that his ex (from 27 years ago – high school) has mysteriously managed to keep her nose in his life from time to time. Before FB, when I was pregnant with our oldest (now 18), she stopped him in traffic and attempted to make a lunch date (knowing we had been married over 5 years then). Five years later she shows up to a fundraising event (I’m hosting) pregnant with a toddler – mind you this was held at a bar! And now with FB…we’ve had our accounts for a while, but have only been ‘active’ for a little over 5 years. Hubby is the most loyal person, always glass half full – and although that makes for a pleasant situation, it leaves room for him to be blindsided. She (the ex) friended him a while back…I noticed a pattern in her communication, what she liked, what she commented on, etc. If he posts something about himself or he an ‘the guys’ (golf, softball, events) She will comment – literally almost immediately. If he posts something about him or the children she will like (again almost immediately). If he posts something that involves me – crickets…For a while now he’s been reassuring me, and I believe him – but he didn’t see the pattern. Then I asked the BIG question – does she private message you? Yes was the answer…again I brought up the pattern and was told I was paranoid. I’m a woman and I know how women operate. So, mid July was our anniversary – he posted some great stuff, memories, etc. (crickets) – a week later we had to make the devastating decision to put down our son’s horse – he posted a RIP – within literally seconds she responded, commented, sympathies, etc. When that happened I went off – I replied to her post that I was on to her – and that sparked another former high school friend to take it upon herself to private message me about my insecurities and how dare I do that – I deleted the message without response because this woman does not know what’s the ex is or isn’t doing. I did however forward it to Hubby and we sat down that night together and he saw the pattern…he admitted she was incredibly prompt to respond. I showed him how she has him as friend, following, see first, and get notifications (who does that?) – I don’t even do that with him…Hubby’s birthday was yesterday. The Ex took it upon herself to private message Happy Birthday BIG GUY! (yep, that’s what she said) at 7:56am – she then posted on his timeline only Happy Birthday. Now his response was thanks to both (no caps, no name, just one word). His response to most of the others was Thank You Name or a comment. Again I trust him – but I know the angle she’s working and she’s been doing it for years. There is a group of high school girls, including her, that are not only FB friends but still live in close proximity, and these girls have always been jealous of our relationship. Hubby and I met after high school, I’m not part of this group, in fact I’m 4 years older. His motto is that he will never unfriend anyone – the glass half full – just won’t do it. He actually doesn’t friend either – he will accept a request if he wants but he has declined some too. The morale of the story – even when you are happy and share everything – this social media mess we’ve created opens the door for uneducated insecure individuals from your past to mess with your life.
This situation is causing you a lot of heartache. Why does your husband refuse to unfriend this person. It shows he puts her first before you. How insensitive of him. What is he getting out of it.
I think you need to see a counselor about this. It’s very harmful to your relationship. She is intruding in your life and making a miserable situation and she knows it.
This need to be fixed!
And since they are friends she can PM him any time. Not right!
My husband will not let me on his Facebook, computer ect. I’m an open book. I went to an event and posted pictures of him to his Facebook showing what he won and there sitting in his friends are girls that no one else knows. I ask him and he just plays, there not my friend.
So I say ok let me delete them. He won’t let me, says he’ll do it later. What the heck.
I don’t know how to let him know that I don’t approve and he needs to show respect to his wife. He gets so defensive, like I’m crazy.
13yrs of marriage. He was 40 and first marriage.
I always knew he was set in his ways and immature but come on.
I am going to send this URL to my husband. I am so tired. We have so very little, barely a place to live, but he commands the keyboard all day long, hour after hour, day after day, and will not consistently work to forward his self-employment so we can get some where. He does not pull his weight in our shared business, accept when it comes to brief heavy lifting, that requires so mess time than what I have to give to make this very small go of things, and he does not realize all the very time consuming little things I do all day long give him the opportunity to miss so much work, and be on Facebook, and keep us in poverty. I would call myself an Enabler, but if I do any less, we will be on the streets, again. My husband fools himself thinking he is ‘teaching’ his 4,800 friends, and he is, but I need him to work more and be more consistent at work, or set parameters or set hours for Facebook, not during the work day, and not shove it in my face that he deserves ‘time’ to himself, and I need him to help me out, maybe do the dishes once, or go to the market, or see me, really see me, and understand I need him to pick up for me sometimes, and maybe do a portion of my work, so that I can have time off, or time to pick up where he leaves off from not making money, I don;t mind making the money, but I can not do all the other things, too. He is a good, honorable, moral Catholic man, but this Facebook thing/addiction needs to stop, or I will need to leave. This is NOT a threat, this is not a promise, this is just what needs to be done so I can do something for myself. Blessed Virgin, hear my cry, and have my husband hear me, and hear me in love, and desperation, and not as a shrew, nor in anger, Blessed Virgin, hear my cry for stability, and bless me with the wisdom to know what to do, and what to say. I hurt so bad, and he doesn’t know.
The manner in which you describe your story tells me that you are not only intelligent but also very hardworking. you are also fully aware that you are enabling him and justify it so. I want you to really think about your justification for a second.
Is it really worth all the effort to keep afloat for two, if you’re the only one trying?
With that said…and this is the tough one…move on…in whichever way you can!
Only YOU know him well enough to know whether sending him this URL is going to hit home. I don’t know you but I do know that if you’re venting here and praying, you already know what you have to do and perhaps looking for confirmation.
I had to leave an ex who exhibited the same oblivious attitude as your husband’s. I too, gave many chances but in the end you will become financially, emotionally and mentally drained.
I don’t like to encourage divorce but I also believe that we are destined to live happy, fulfilled and peaceful lives, as individuals first, then only can we be apart of something greater, like marriage.
All the best to you!
If I am looking for old girlfriends on FB, and see they have an individual account, even if I know they’re married, my assumption is they are open to contact from old friends, M or F, and YES that includes old flames. I can also infer they would be more likely to be open to a rekindle of romantic escapades, even if it’s of the FWB type, than if they had a joint/married account. Sorry. And if this same person’s FB pictures, etc. don’t refer to any hubby, (it CAN include kids), to me, that’s a further indication they are open to the idea of reconnecting and whatever that may bring. To me, a male, the best way to ward off unwanted old flames knocking on the door, is a joined FB account… Seems old fashioned, but it is what it is.
If someone is married. That should be respected. Joined Facebook or single Facebook account. My world was turned upside down because of my own lack of judgment. I am not blaming anyone else for my initial responses. I take the responsibility. But in a way, I wish I’d never responded. My daughter had just moved out to go to school, etc. I was very vulnerable and needed a LIFE fix and when “he” came knocking on my Facebook page he hit me at the right time. I am not sure how old fashioned it is to be open for whatever you are open to if someone is married. You should not go knocking on their door willing offering anything. For me, I was in love with that time in my life. When I was young and selfish… and I slipped right into the slot. It didn’t help that my ex was letting me take the lead and open to anything!!!!
My husband refuses to share his password to any social media accounts, and also refuses to leave his cell phone out of his sight because he claims he knows I’ll snoop through it. Umm, wouldn’t most wives after him already admitting that I will never have access to his Facebook nor instagram?! He’s never cheated that I’m aware of but that hurts me. He said he would never be willing to shutdown Facebook for the sake of our marriage 😢
My husband and me share all the passwords… I think it is the best way to feel nothing is hidden, nothing is wrong…
I think it’s true, frankly, I have men try to talk to me online. I used social media for good cause not to flirt or seeking new friends. Often, have new people reaching out and tried to talk to me. When I feel the conversation rather lead me to an uncomfortable situation, I often shot it down quick. Often, many women would try to connect to my spouse, as he often put his photo on his profile etc. He is innocent but I know how it works online. Many of my friends who are no longer with their former partner/spouse/husband or wife, a lot of issues started from talking to someone online and try to make a conversation. It’s up to us to control, cheating is a sin.. and I know we have to be secure of ourselves but sometimes, we never know what the devil have in mind or tried to wrack our marriage. My spouse let me deal with it right away and I have no problem putting them back to their corner politely. I had to deal with one today, she’s not very good lair though but glad that my spouse is on the same page 🙂
Why would we share our Facebook passwords to our husbands and wife, when it is an extension of our privacy. We have to rephrase Scott’s comment about Facebook being the root of all evil, it should be “the love of Facebook…” If they have been unfaithful to you, it is their choice and they might have had reason for it. Please let us not blame it on Facebook but on people who doesn’t know how to us it for its true purpose.
Sorry if I replied here.Just wanna ask some thing.Yesterday I logged on in face book,and some stranger account popped up.It supposed just mine and hubby account should pop up.Does it mean he invited another woman in our house while I was away and access on our computer?It seems like that.My instinct tell me so that he was cheating on me.Sorry for my English.Its not my language.
I 100 percent agree with what you say about FB. I get so sick of people trying to pass on the responsibility for their actions to a technology, religion, etc. However, I think there is some merit to having each other’s login information, especially if there has already been a breech of trust (which is what happened to me).
This is ridiculous and controlling. Any therapist will tell you that it is not healthy. My husband does not need access to my account. He should TRUST me. Just because someone is married, does not mean they have to give up their privacy. Again, ANY therapist will tell you this. As for being online all thw tome, i am. And I am not cheating. Lol. What a ridiculous statement to make.
You are fortunate you are in a good and trusting relationship (apparently). But if a trust has already been breached, ANY good therapist would say that sharing login information is a great way to rebuild trust.
Mark,
Dawn is fortunate to have a good and trusting relationship. When the trust has been breached, a very good therapist would say sharing log in information is a way to building trust. How can trust be rebuilt if the cheating spouse refuse to share information. It means they are hiding something which is not good for the relationship and will lead to divorce which is probably what the cheating spouse wants anyway but don’t want to split things 50/50 or pay alimony.
Right, I was agreeing with that.
Mark or anyone else….what if I breached the trust and yet she denies me access to her FB account?
I can view her FB profile through our joint one but I cannot see what she posts, the likes or comments from others.
If you have given her complete access to your FB account, she should do the same for you.
After a year or so of signing up for facebook, I noticed my wife spending a great deal of time on the web. Needless to say, we lived in overseas and her claim was that it was her way of keeping in touch. I knew her password and randomly checked. Sure enough, most messages were to friends and family members. After we moved back to the states, before she found a job, she also spent a great deal of time on facebook, and at the gym. After a while I was a bit concerned, especially after she changed her password and did not share it. One day after she left to run errands, she had left her facebook account open. Needless to say I found quite a few messages to random males (our kids bus driver) about how her life was miserable, and apparently so was his marriage. I also found some sexually explicit messages to an old family friend of mine. I confronted her, and we started attending counseling. She also spent a great deal of time “texting” her friend from the gym, whom I found out later she had been having infidelities with. This was admitted to me just last month, along with my discovery of some naked pictures of herself on her phone which were not meant or sent to me, but used to send to her current infidelity via another social media outlet. I can’t totally blame her for my not being 100% emotionally supportive, but how can I now even look who was the pillar of our religious beliefs in the eye? So I agree 100% with Patrick’s article on sharing or having joined accounts. And yes, facebook is the start of the root of all that is evil in my opinion.
I agree that Facebook enables marital problems. I am the strongest woman ever. Married for 22 years. Only got on Facebook once in awhile. One day an old flame contacted me through Facebook and flirted with me. But I’m the strongest woman ever, right? So no big deal. But then I found myself drawn to him and he asked me to visit him and I did. It was an affair that nearly cost my marriage and split up my family. I don’t see him now but I find myself daily drawn to watch him on Facebook. My husband knows and forgives me and we are working on our marriage. I finally deactivated my account because it IS the devil’s playground. I don’t blame Facebook, I blame me. But if I hadn’t been on Facebook, it would have never happened. I hate Facebook, it can be time consuming place to be. It fills your brain with mostly foolishness and nonsense. I will never go back.
I wholeheartedly agree with you and this article. My wife was using Facebook to re-connect with school friends. Never would I imagine that this would be the vehicle for her to cheat on me with old male friends from the past.
My story is similar to yours. Nude photos being sent to two different men she knew….both people she dated before me. I’ve never received any nude pictures of my wife so I knew that these were not meant for me. Texts, emails, phone calls, sexting…eventually meeting up in hotel rooms and even trying to get a job where one of them worked. The other “friend” lives in another city far away.
I can’t express my disappointment in my wife. Although we are trying to wit things out it’s not easy. Years of lies, cheating, and going behind my back have made me “see” my wife in a way I never thought I would. She still denies that she was physical with one of them even though I have proof.
I decided to stay and not divorce. She decided that losing her family wouldn’t be worth the risk just to be with some scumbag. She says she is remorseful and sorry. Time will tell.
I do as Reagan said….trust and verify!
I now have access to her Facebook and email accounts. We have tracking devices on our phones (her idea….I think she feels I may cheat on her?).
I should have known when she put passwords on her cellphone and made sure her maiden name was on her Profile page. And no pictures of me but 1 obscure photo deeply hidden. But lots of pics of her and our kids to look like a “single” mom. She even described me as her “ex”.
Needless to say, I’ve prayed a lot and I am more aware that my wife can do things that hurt and destroy love in a marriage by being unfaithful.
If you think FB is to blame for all of your problems, that is another one to deal with!
my husband never posts pictures of me or our relationship, or anything about me, I subtle ask him but I just think now that it is not worth it, it looks that he doesn’t care about me, in fact I believe that we still together for our kids, I want to divorce him but I can’t imagine my children living without their father. this Facebook issue can be a game changer I don’t know his family or friends, I feel he is ashamed of me.
Hi there,
A few days ago I decided to send a woman Helenanne K. who is FB friends with my husband a friend request to see who and what she is. She lives in the same state as us I had an idea that she was an old girlfriend of my husband’s from about 25 years ago. I saw that there were a fair amount of comments from her on his wall and pictures but never any “likes” or comments on photos or status of he and I. Well she accepted my friend request and I looked in and saw that those two had a history of liking a lot of stuff on each others posts and that they had exchanges within pages and other forums. Needless to say after I saw that she had very recently shared a personal status of my husband’s on her wall and the frequent consistent likes between these two I had seen enough and undriended her. I asked my husband about her, who had contacted who first, etc. So I asked my husband to unfriend and block this woman. He got so angry that I wanted him to block her. I requested that he send her a message as to why he shouldnt be in contact with her and I wanted to read it and watch him send it to her. He started to draft a message saying that I was uncomfortable with them talking on FB and that he was sorry to unfriend her. I had asked him to do the right thing by saying out of respect for his wife he should not have had contact to begin with and therby disslove the FB friendship and all contact. He refused to acknowledge my my request and as I watched him typing his bogus message on his cell phone laying the blame at my feet I grabbed his cell and started to delete his message saying he should do the right thing and we ended up in a violent tug of war over his phone. He yanked the phone away from me and screamed at me calling me crazy. We had the worst fight. After several hours when things cooled down he showed me the message history between them. They had been in contact for over 6 years. Originally he claimed he didn’t know who contacted who first. Sure enough it was clear to see he reached out to her first. I asked him why he reached out to an exgirlfriend and he said he had seen her picture on FB sent her a message and was catching up. Well that catching up led to secretive private messaging and emailing. Unbeknownst to him I hacked his email account and found email messages between them. There was nothing sexual in the communications though some of the communications could be considered flirty and emotionally supportive. I asked him if he had any contact with his exgirlfriend Helenanne through emails and he stated absolutely not. I even recorded him saying he had no email contact that he didnt have her email address and she did not have his. then I revealed to him that I found emails between them. He was stunned. He kept claiming he hasn’t thought about this woman in 25 years and shes matronly looking and is nothing to him. Yet he’s been liking her stuff on her FB pages, knows enough about her personal life like her fun run, her deceased mother, her nursing job and adopted kids etc. So no, he’s been thinking about her and giving his time and energy to her via FB. Anyway he said he blocked her on FB and the following morning I noticed his exgirlfriend blocked me on FB. Presumably she had to go look for my profile in order to block me. Just to make sure my husband blocked her I accessed his phone and checked on his FB settings. Sure enough she was blocked but he never did send her that message I requested. So I don’t know if they had communicated outside of FB and emailed eachother about my “discovery” or if the exgirlfriend just had enough scruples to know that I was aware of their covert communications. Needless to say it has damaged my relationship with my husband. He invited this woman into our lives. She has seen my posts on my husband’s wall, she has seen my relationship with my husband, she has seen photos of my child, viewed our family life, witnessed our activities and seen our friends. It is a huge violation and feel disgusted with it all. It was as if she were a voyer or a stalker. His lack of respect and consideration and his violent reaction to my request to remove his exgirlfriend from his FB contacts makes me distrust him and makes me resent him. It is going to take a long time to work through this and heal. My advice to anyone is if you are married NEVER befriend an ex. Period.
My advice to you is that you deal with your insecurities rather then project your insecurities on your husband. Facebook is used by millions of people. Just because he likes a picture doesn’t mean anything.
Wow I just read this and yeah there is a lot of meaning that has transpired. Yikes I don’t know who you are but you’re no counselor
Hey Mike, did you actually read what Di wrote? Her husband was lying and emotionally connecting with an ex, that is unacceptable, that’s is cheating (even tho not physically cheating). And Di I’m with you, I would feel absolutely violated. I’m glad you caught it in time ☺️
I’m sure given his actions he simply moved to another app.
Check twitter, snapchat, etc. That’s what my husband did.
“He invited this woman into our lives.” “She has seen pictures of our children.” Are you kidding? Is this the big problem? Please dont make this an issue. The pictures, your private life, you put it out there on the Internet for virtual strangers or people you haven’t seen in a couple of decades. It isn’t private!
Hi Mr. Patrick
My husband could spend 3 to 5 hours on Facebook without cease and the thing is that i don’t know his password nothing and he also did not allow me to have my own Facebook account which so awkward to me because he had two or three account by himself and most of his friends are female 98%, could please let me know why he is doing that to me.
I actually want transparency but he doesn’t want to.
And every time i ask for the password he will say no to me.
Is there something that he is hiding or what is he up to, and when he is on the Facebook and i approach him he will quickly close and open another thing instead.
It’s a bit frustrating forme because this is’nt fair for me.
Thanks for the reply Mr. Patrick.
Your man is playing the field wake up and smell the coffee girl
I agreed with basically everything about this article except for the last statement. Although this maybe true for most it is not true for all due to insomnia and some major problems, which I happen to be burdened with. I tend to not fall asleep until between 1-3 am. I can take a sleeping pill at 8 and not zonk out until 3. Whether I have phone in hand or not I can’t sleep well. On the occasions I do have my phone in hand. I you am playing silly games like name that movie, who sang?, or what color best fits your personality. When I’m not doing that I’m reading articles like this one.
My husband and I share passwords for everything. Seriously! And we are better for it. We don’t hide things from each other
My husband’s friends on Facebook are 99% females. They would flirt back and forth in public (my in-laws and his friends witnessed his behavior, and then called me a jealousy wife). Well, I blocked my husband, in-laws, his friends except one of the family members because he didn’t think it was normal for his brother to be proactive in flirting in my presence.
My husband seems to enjoy hurting me through his behavior.
I completely agree. I do not believe a HUSBAND should have 30 female friends and 5 male friends or 90F and 15M. The flirt should never happen. And all of this be hair is disrespectful and should not be tolerated. You should be the only woman other than his mother and grandmother that matter (siblings/children also important). Speak privately how you feel and pray for him. Maybe he will see that he is wrong for doing this.
I have been with somebody for 12 years the last three we have had separate Facebook account and we got into an argument about his because I was all these women on there that I didn’t know and you got all mad and deleted it and also I read some of the messages on there. Not good. but we were separated at the a short time. However two years later there isn’t a single picture of me on there or me and him together and very few of our children. But now we’ve been living together again and he has a separate Facebook and I guess he reactivated it blocked me and block the people that I know and lies to me and tells me he’s not on it and doesn’t have Facebook I’m not stupid I know this what this means is just him somebody else might make me feel little better I’m not crazy
There’s this married guy whose quite the charmer. He claims he’s a Christian. Yet he goes on lunches with his coworker who is a single woman of the world. She works part time and he works fulltime. So every time she works her shifts with him they both go to the coffee shop. They have been doing this for five months straight now. Plus they are texting each other too. He says his wife is ok with it. Somehow I doubt it. His wife went out of town for a month or so and he’s been acting strange. There are clues but we didn’t actually see them kissing. Some of us saw the woman in the back area talking to him alone on several occasions far from her department. I must also mention he is quite the charmer. He verbally flirted with me and other woman also. His wife is on Facebook. Should I send her a private message telling her to watch her husband and check his phone contacts? Shouldn’t she at least by just warned out of concern? This is really getting to some of us at the jobsite. Some people may tell me that it’s none of my business. Really? Even if it’s to at least warn his wife of what is going on? Thanks.
Yes, tell her. It would be better if you could do so anonymously of course, but I think women should have each other’s backs, especially when it comes to home wreckers and cheaters, and she could be completely clueless about all of it:( You go girl! Good luck!
Unless she is a close friend or family member, you should NOT tell her. It’s none of your business. Why do you care so much about what a co-worker is doing? Perhaps you should focus on yourself, and your work! And because he does this he is not a Christian? Please! Judge a little more!
Sorry FB is evil. No two ways about it. Resulted in my divorce.
Yes, you divorced because of Facebook. There were no other reasons. Rationalize your life away!
I’m with you. People from our past should stay exactly there. Facebook brings these people back into your lives and its far too easy to be tempted by someone’s attention when having a rough time in your marriage and all the delusional people who think they’re not having a rough time need to wake up. Facebook and the ability to easily reach out to an ex destroyed my marriage. Yeah it shouldn’t have mattered but Facebook is like motel 6. Your having problems. You friend request an ex and start posting pics and posts that are all bullshit nonetheless but appear that you’re having the time of your life and can offer all the things that are lacking in your marriage. Excitement, flirting, conversations that lead to, did you think I was good in bed…blah blah…next thing ya know you’re meeting up just to catch up and then voila you’re banging someone’s brains out that you dumped for a reason 20 years back, a damn good reason but you’ve been fooled by the Facebook fantasy life she’s portrayed for herself while you’re feeling ignored because your wife is working 12 hour days or more trying to secure a good job to support your family. This person who was nothing 20 years ago has suddenly implanted herself firmly into my husbands head and I don’t have to say which one and he’s totally lost his mind thinking he’s in love. The forbidden especially when the other person lives out of state and the encounters are weeks and months apart can overtime develop into something you become so desperate for and its all a farce. I know when my husband wakes from this fog and realizes he’s lost everything for a bimbo he couldn’t stand 20 years ago is going to be suicidal and there’s nothing I can do. The internet has made their contact so easily hidden it continued for years before I discovered it. Now a beautiful family is destroyed over what otherwise could have been an unhappy period but if it weren’t so easy to find a replacement without even having to leave the house, it may have passed and our lives wouldn’t be destroyed right now. Ex’s are just that for a reason. NO they haven’t changed, no you didn’t make a mistake dumping them. The mistake was ever speaking to them again. People desperate for attention seek others in the same predicament and its easier than having to go out and meet someone new. Blow enough smoke up someone’s behind and when all your encounters are hot filled with crazy sex because you haven’t seen them in 2 mons and you don’t have to consider the monotony of work, school, kids, arguments and it’s all weekend getaways, hotels and fun fun fun!! Who couldn’t think they’re in love in that situation hell. As soon as it gets real though he’s going to be in the same shock I was when I found out. I loved this man with everything I had but now I hate his guts. He lost the best thing he ever had all because he thought the grass was greener. Too sad but I personally wish I never joined Facebook.
“Facebook brings these people back into your lives and its far too easy to be tempted by someone’s attention when having a rough time in your marriage and all the delusional people who think they’re not having a rough time need to wake up.”
No, Facebook doesn’t bring anyone back int your life, you sue Facebook to do it. Take some responsibility for your actions!
Wow Mark you really seem to like and defend FB. Your last name Zuckerburg?
It’s not just Facebook, either! Flickr is far more dangerous in the interactions that lead to infidelity and temptations.
Question for readers… my husband and I each have separate FB accounts. Which is fine. I have nothing to hide if he wants to see mine. However, he has just recently opened his account so that I am able to see his “friends” list (huge red flag). Among them are several ladies that live in our same town, and are very attractive. My husband is a recovering alcoholic, and has a bit of a porn addiction (he won’t admit to it, but I have found too many things to not believe this is true). Now, I have asked him several times how having these women as his friends on FB helps him. I mean, they barely know each other, except one works where we take our car for service, one is a real estate agent (the prettiest one on the back of the magazine), and one has a personal business – of which I recently discovered he was texting off FB. When I ask him why he has them or what purpose it serves, he gets really angry and won’t discuss it. Bear in mind this has gone on for a couple years… and instead of simply deleting them, he deletes his entire FB acccount. Am I missing something? Am I simply that insecure? Or is there an underlying issue that he is not coming to terms with on his own?! He can’t seem to separate from THEM… but he will delete everybody else, including his own family. I feel this is a red flag that needs to be addressed, but he thinks I’m just a nagging b!t*h. Help?!?!
I’m no advice columnist. But if you’re a real person with real problems, I would advise you to get some personal counseling (not couples), and not post this kind of stuff to a random website.
Yes, you’re being overly insecure. You have nothing to hide (except your FB friends), and you view his FB friends as a threat to your marriage. You regularly cyber-stalk your husband and complain about his every interaction on the Internet to strangers. So yeah, it’s you.
If you take offense at this, then hustle to a counselor, social worker, pastor, friend or someone else who has perspective.
Blade, you are right. You are no marriage counselor and attacking this woman as if she is crazy perhaps is because you operate the same way as her husaband.
Why would a married man befriend pretty women he doesn’t know? Texting one, and getting angry that his wife questions his activities?
Sara is right. This man is an emotional cheater. This is devastating to the wife who should feel protected and respected and totally loved by her husband.
He is the crazy one and needs help!
I would say from my experience in this exact situation except we weren’t married, he is cheating. Sorry.
I would say yes. Definitely. The addiction is a red flag. This kind of thing is an addiction. My husband is an addict and is now leaving me for someone he met on facebook. Him being defensive,is a clue. If he has nothing to hide he wouldn’t care.
If it doesn’t feel right in your gut, then it is not right. Trust you own instincts.
@J…I know it’s been a few years since you asked this, but no, you are NOT insecure.
Your husband disrespected you by doing that. It doesn’t matter how attractive other women may be…you are his wife!
You deserve respect! He should not be doing this. He gets angry because he knows he is wrong.
My husband runs a local meet up club through Facebook. At the last meet up, a young woman showed up because she was curious about the club. She ended up talking in depth to my husband (I wasn’t there, to be clear) about not only the computers there but my husband’s personal music project. He did not mention he was married or that he had kids to her. I had to pry to get him to even tell me this much about meeting her.
The next evening, while a married couple was over, my husband and her husband got into a conversation about a single father my husband knows. He talks about this guy a lot and how nice it must be to not have to support a wife at home (like he does). So, in that conversation he kept listing the pros of being a single man while my friend’s husband kept listing all the reasons why he would never want to be single – all reasons including how much he loves his wife. I was sitting right there the whole time and he never once mentioned me and kept defending the single life.
I was very hurt by this. I told him, and of course he got defensive about it. I told him it looked pretty bad that this happened right after he spent the day with his single male friends and a new woman that was more interested in his hobby than I am (he tells me he wishes I was this way, but I am just not a techie and never have been). I asked him if he was attracted to her. He was blushing all over and then proceeded to get mad at me because there are “lots of attractive women all over the world.” He was very defensive. I eventually told him that I am absolutely not o.k. with him getting to know her more or adding her on Facebook.
So, last night he not only changed his password to Facebook, but he added her. This is the second time he has done something on Facebook that I told him was out right hurtful to me. The first thing was a conversation with some woman I still know nothing about that involved a lot of flirty emoticons and an over the top amount of compliments from her. He promptly changed his password after I ran across that and didn’t give me it for many months. I have no idea how that progressed after I was locked out.
I think the number one rule with social media is that if your spouse states something is not ok, it is not ok – period. Everyone has different comfort zones. It is crushing that I may have to end 15 years with this man over such stupidity, but it is doing a lot of damage to trust. The fact that he doesn’t care about that should be a red flag, I guess.
Casey,
I am sorry that you are going through this as betrayal of any sort is very painful to say the least. I would seek professional counsel from a Catholic therapist but your husband needs a cease and desist ultimatum. Changing behaviors takes time and can be done but not in a half cocked attempt.
Be assured of prayers
Yes, only a Catholic therapist can help. Geesh!
Hi dear.. Its seems like his giving you more chance to have freedom, suggest you diverse and playback by his games and let him taste the same like he treated you by joining other clubs. Since both of you are married and there is nothing to hide, indirectly you improve your own social circles of friends girls and guys who can help you instead of being alone to face this kind of man. Go for some hobby classes if you like dancing since he already started a music project. Its also shows that you are self worth and you have your own programs and deserved more than you do. Hope it works.
Snapchat has become a huge problem in relationships, more so than Facebook I do believe. My wife and I have found out first hand that Snapchat doesn’t belong in a relationship or a marriage.
I recently caught my husband receiving and sending pictures to and from another woman. It was a few emails I found in his trash bin. In those emails after receiving her pictures he told her “damn youre a bombshell, drop dead gorgeous!” And then he send her some of his pictures titled “Just for u, hope ir not disappointed” and she sent him another picture and his response was “sexy, bitting my finger!” It hurt me so much to see that he would say and do something like that. I feel so betrayed. He swears it never ment anything to him and that he just didn’t think of what he was doing. This all started by him playing on an app, I guess it was a bunch off ppl playing and they all started introducing them selves in a group chat and one guy asked the others for fb and emails so they can send each other points for that game and he said out of nowhere after he posted his email she sent him pictures and he went along with her without thinking of the consequences. He really broke down after I confroted him, he swears it didn’t mean anything and that he wasn’t trying to get anything out of it but I’m having a hard time believing him, he’s been apologizing, deleted that game that got him into this mess, but it’s not enough to fix the damage he’s done to our marriage. She won’t stop emailing him, he’s been telling me everytime he’s received emails from her, she just won’t stop even after he told her that he didn’t want to have any contact with her and that he had made a big mistake that hurt his love of his life his wife and that he wasn’t replying to any of her emails anymore but she still don’t stop she’s gone to the point to where she sent him pictures of her privates which he didn’t even look at he gave me his phone as soon as he seen the email come In. I see the regret and so much pain in his eyes but it’s so hard to forgive something like that. Where do I begin? Will our marriage ever be the way it was before? I want to trust him but it ain’t so easy after he did that to me. Please give me some advice
Forgive him. He’s done everything to correct the mistake. Everyone deserves a second chance. He obviously loves you. Sometimes guys do stupid things but I dont think he was purposely trying to wreck his marriage. Give your frustrations and distrust to God and pray for a spirit of forgiveness. Also pray for the woman who is pursuing him. Life is too short. Once he sees you are healing and your feelings for him return he will love you even more. Don’t despair, it may take awhile to heal, but it’s for the better for both of you. God bless.
If he does not want any contact to that lady, the best is to stop to reply her, or explain her anything. Just do not reply, she will get tired of sending mails with not answer. I hope you get your trust back, it might need time, but I think it can be done. Good luck. Best regards, Maria
This blog entry is dated Dec. 21, 2015, some of the comments from 2011, and the survey from 2010. How much have you researched it?
I wrote and originally posted this article back in 2011. But in order to force it back to the top of my blog entries, I had to re-post it on Dec. 21, 2015. I did my due diligence.
This is absolutely true. God Bless Patrick Madrid/1310am! I am a victim of this exact situation. This happened right under my nose. My husband broke rules 1-3 (These actions are coming from a man/husband who loved me (his wife) so deeply), but during (close to the end) this said “he didn’t understand why someone he “used” to love and want so much, he didn’t want anymore”. I would like the same things he did and still not have a clue to what he was doing, then it stopped (the likes/comments), but that was because I was blocked by him and the other party (relative). Then boom, months later I found out what was going on. He ended it; however this took a huge toll on our marriage and we suffered through great trials in result to his actions. We are still healing from it – 1yr. & 7 months later (since I found out). I truly do not recommend any social networking for married couples, but that is my opinion. Our Holy Catholic marriage counselors said it is “yes”, the #1 cause of divorce and images are compared to heroin, but worse; harder to get out of your head. The positive side, we are getting through it, and with the help of Our Lord Jesus Christ and the love of Our sweet Mother Mary you all can as well. But, please prevent it husbands and wives. Please know, married humans get picked up on all the time, but it is “our” responsibility to know our boundaries. Do not become a victim, but if you are, do not let the “Devil” take another marriage. “Fight” for your marriage, there is hope. It is not an easy fight, but it is worth fighting for. God Bless you all. And please pray for me as well, as I am still healing.
Mi esposo tiene muchas amigas que yo ni conosca y muchas son divorciadas el le pone me gusta en toda las fotos de mujeres bonitas y el tiene el Facebook como soltera y me blocked que puedo aser me duele mucho esta situcion y me quiero divorciar
Creo que necesitáis un consejero matrimonial. Espero que tengáis mucha suerte. Muchos saludos!
I am having trsting issues with a boyfriend. He has more than one account set up onfacebook with fake names. He also will not keep his most used accountt the one I am on up all the time he comes an goes on it like he is hiding me. An when I log on I find that I cannot reply to the conversation does this mean I’m being blocked? As well as I have caught him on facebook an he isn’t leaving me messages or talking to me. He tells me I’m insecure an he isn’t hiding me because my picture is on his page but doesn’t show we are in a relationship. As well as he has told me he carries on conversations with 2 to 3 people at a time an says I can get on there an text him also. Am I wrong for questioning him as well as is he wrong for using fake names an. Claims it is for security purposes so people aren’t using his identity. I feel something defintely isn’t right but he makes me out to be the bad guy 🙁
Your intuition is probably right. You already know he is a liar because he sets up fake accounts. I know: I used to do the same myself, and I would post things via fake accounts that I would not dream of posting with my real identity. Identity thieves do not use your name from Facebook. They use numbers and fake ID’s. I know because my identity was stolen and a warrant issued for my arrest because the guy got a ticket and used a fake DL with my info on it. Fun times. Furthermore, you bf is not only interested in security (if at all) because he does not need 2+ accounts to protect himself. He would just have one (fake) account and no real account if he was that concerned about security. The bottom line is not Facebook, though. The bottom line is you do not trust him, and you are right not to trust him. He is right about one thing. Your insecurity has imprisoned you into staying with someone you do not trust. You are not even married. In marriage, as in any lifestyle, honesty and trust are pretty much the most important keys to happiness. Think about what kind of father he will be if he continues sneaking around. If you were my little sister I would tell you to break up with him until he changes his ways, not just to threaten breaking up with him unless he changes his ways. Focus on what makes you truly happy. You and the world will be better off. The most important principle of dating: “If he is unable or unwilling to treat you right, you are better off being alone.” The first thing to do is pray for the grace, wisdom, and strength to do God’s will in this and all things in your life. Only then will you find peace. May God and his Mother be with you. ~John
Thanks for the encouragement my soon to be ex has me embittered and while it’s easy for him to move on me not so much considering the year of emotional and mental abuse I suffered from him. He didn’t love me nor did he want to be with me. He would literally has light me and made me think I was losing my Mind. I’m on anti anxiety meds now and ashamed to tell anyone what really happened or what he’s done to me. I hate him. God help me I hate him.
*Gas light me
My husband and I have been going through a bit of a rocky time and I thought we had sorted it out. He works away from home on a all male vessel. He recently went away and whilst there told me he felt emotionally dead towards me and was frightened that his feelings would not come back and we didn’t seem to communicate like we used to. He is active on face book and he knows I have the password but I feel he thinks I will not check it. Last weekend he ‘liked’ a quote that said – Homesick for something that I think does not exist, a heart that is full, a body that is loved and a soul that is understood. I was cut to the core because it is one thing to say he is numb to me but to share it with the world. Then couple hours later his ex-wife liked the comment – which just added to the agony. I then noticed that the woman who had shared the quote had become a friend on face book. I was curious to know who she was so checked his connection to her -there was no connection between them at all – just one of those shared shared shared shared and somehow it turns up on your page because a friend of a friend of a friend. when I looked at her posts they were all very – how can I say – on the same vain as the initial one – Be brave and say goodbye and life will reward you with a new hello, don’t stay if you not loved – all that type of thing.
My husband and I were then chatting on whatsapp – the only way we do when he is away at sea. Whilst he chatted he seemed very distant but part of it was ok. At the end of it I said to him he seemed very distant – he told me he could not deal with this now – and he needed to focus on his job which can be quite dangerous – so I left it. However, he did not know about the background to why I was saying that. I kept following her quotes until I could stand it no longer and checked his face book page. It was just kinda idle chatter but some of it started to get not personal but sharing ideas and dreams etc. this was only over a couple of days – however, then at the end of one of his last facebook messages he said to her that the signal was not so good so could they go on whatsapp…. which it seems that she did because they then no longer messaged – I kept on checking his facebook but kept quite –
However, last night we had had a great whatsapp conversationa and I was starting to feel that things would work out and maybe this friend request was nothing… but after the chat and he had gone to bed in another part of the world.. I had to check it one more time… vowed it would be the last but – he had changed the password on it and when I went into his emails – because I do that all the time for his work- he had deleted the reset password request. I became a bit frantic and then reset it myself – thinking he would just think that he had not got it correct the last time because it was a new password and I so deleted the reset email.
I then signed in only to find that not only that – but he had also set a notification on it if someone tried to use a different device…. and this shows up in the post on face book and cannot be removed. At the time I did all this he was and still is sleeping due to his shift – but I am now frantic again – nauseas and trembling because I am terrified of what he is going to say and if in fact he will communicate with me – he is supposed to come home Friday (now wednesday) and we had made such great plans in this last chat… now I feel I have ruined it all – but also feel that I should not feel guilty about the fact that I went into it in the first place – but the fact that I did not ask him and he will feel that (actually correctly) that I do not trust him now – I do not know what to do with myself and feel that I am so in the wrong now – and fighting with myself that because I could not keep away from the page one last time – I could have ended our marriage – we are now Christians but he seems to have forgotten God is involved in this relationship – but that is a whole other story…..
Advice – Oh I don’t know … just venting I guess/
I’ve never seen so much insecurity in my life. Most of you should not be married, period. Don’t you realize the harder you try to hold on to something the more it wants to escape your death grip? Relax and give the man some space. If he wants to fool around then he was never your man to begin with.
My husband is playing around in Facebook and it hurts
I agree that perhaps some of these folk are insecure, and need to do work on themselves and not be so Dependant on validation from their husbands. But each marriage is different. I decided long ago that I would be confident in my marriage about my husbands relating to other female friends, associates and team parents. (He was an athletic Coach). …otherwise I would’ve driven myself nuts!!
Steve, don’t try to justify sketchy behavior with “he needs space”. That’s garbage and you know it. “You’re either pregnant or you’re not”
It’s always the other way around with me. Why can’t they just give me a little space!
Nice victim blaming Steve.
May God never allow you on a jury.
I busted my wife last year with Facebook. After a rocky relationship with her lying to me about her past I decided to log into her account. I found 3 private messages from a old high school friend that based on the conversation there were previous messages preceding these but were not there. I suspected she deleted them. When I confronted her about the messages she denied saying anything inappropriate and that she would never have delete any message. Then eventually she admitted she deleted them but only because there were too many. Then eventually she admitted she deleted them on purpose because she felt bad about a few things she said. I will never know the whole truth. There was another old friend she used to work with and I found private conversations from him too. Nothing seemed too out of the ordinary and she denied ever having a relationship with him. When I asked her who befriended who she immediately said he did with no delay of thought. I later found out that hunted him down and that she befriended him. Another high school now married friend sent her a private message that sounded like he wanted to have her baby. She was so naive that she didn’t realize he was 100% hitting on her. She was flattered and sounded like a fool when she replied. To this day he still tried to get in contact with her. There were others for a total of about 40 old male friends she knew. Needless to say I was pretty upset. She agreed to remove any guy that we did not mutually know. Now I find myself spying on her because there is no trust int he relationship.
I no longer have facebook or feel the need to but it was the way i found out that my husband had been sleeping with our employees the entire time i was pregnant! At the time my husband and i were very publicly facebook attached as well as offline. Happily married baby on the way photos of scans etc Everything shared. Then one of the girls sent me a facebook message revealing all when our son was 6 weeks old. She knew our situation and so did the other girl he was seeing. My husband instantly blocked me from facebook completely but i hear he still regularly communicates publicly on facebook and other social media with them both. They have no shame and yet social media makes it possible. My husband claims that the internet is not a reflection of real life and in real life claims to want to make things work with me but when you know they all still communicate in a public arena like nothing happened… its not great for reconcilliation or trust when you are blocked from your partners online persona.
Too many posts about “men” doing these things. Women are even more likely to use Fakebook and other social media sites to flirt or cheat. This is not a male thing as much as it is a woman thing.
Could be but all I have had experience with is men doing it and one unmarried girl that was flirty publicly with my husband and my kids friends dads. My husband blocked me and flirts in messenger. I had 3 men send me flirtatious messages etc… I think it’s very much a male thing and is exactly why I looked it up!
Definately! Married women are flocking to cheat in Facebook.. Hiding things from their husband it’s horrible and corrupting our culture. Facebook is to females what porn sites are to men. It’s not healthy and there’s a lot of stuff allowed to go on under the radar which Facebook settings allow for. I hate Fakebook and everything about it!
Hi to All! My husband, of 31 years has been using my Facebook account that he somehow just changed some settings and chats, emails, sets up webcam dates. Then I searched his phone and downloaded a detailed bill and found out he uses his web and talks on the phone and texts plus he found how to do it with 800,888,855 etc forwarding so the numbers can’t be called back cuz they are nonworking numbers. I sat and went through as much as I could for 2 months and there is still more. Everyone needs to be aware of all of these ways to track things. He has been doing this for at least 4 years. He uses Linked In’s social area. That’s where I found a Voice Valentine left for him by a local woman. He won’t admit to anything. He just keeps saying he didn’t do anything and gets angry with me. I was going to give him a pardon if we clean off the computers and reset the phones. But I am so scared he is going to leave me eventually or just keep doing this. I only became suspicious about 7 months ago. I am so hurt and then I become angry. But I don’t have proof he was physical with anyone. I am pretty sure he has been but all he admits is looking at porn and using webcam. I just don’t know what to do. We were highschool sweethearts and both turned 50 last year. My heart is broken and I still don’t know what to do with my life. Should I stay and maybe he won’t stop or maybe he will just up and leave me. I am so confused. I really need for him to tell me what he has been doing.
What state are you in….I am in calif. And my husband and i were also high school sweethearts, and we have been married 32 years. There are still deal breakers. If hubby wants to act like a fool, fimd out how much ali ony you would get and for how long…and kick him to the curb. Soumds like just like me the last time you were single was a life time ago. Dont ne afraid he is going to leave you, that is never a good place, be afraid you wont leave him when you know you should …and only you can decide when you should. But dont let him call you crazy while he is acting all insane. Hopefully he has a nice retirmemt fund you can get half of. Dont let him get away with anything you cant live with…..girl we are still young enough to have some fun, squeeze a little more living into our lives. I dont care how long we are together, i can always live without him, and i bet you could too.
my husband told me yesterday (Monday)that he has activated a facebook account-so he can ‘connect with his buddies. I looked at the page and turns out he activated it days ago, updated his profile pic on friday. We were together all weekend, everyday in fact and he never mentioned his intent to do it-nor did he tell me when he did it. That bothers me. Further, i think the only reason he told me is becasue someone we both know, came up as ‘someone you might know’ and he got scared that they would tell me. Here is the issue. He connects with his bussed via text and phone calls . So I am not buying this. Further, in 2006 he had an emotional affair with a woman at work. So, this has me reeling. He says I am insecure-which I admit to. Tells me I am causing trouble and am crazy for being concerned and upset becasue he loves me. while I believe he does, I also believe he is not being truthful about his intent. He becomes extremely flattered if another woman pays attn to him-hence that affair. Ssme issue almost happened with another woman at work who flirted with him on email and he started flirting back. He claims it meant nothing-yet he hid it. He also hid his linked in invite to another woman we knew who was in the circle of the fist girl. when I asked him why he hid that he said he did not think I need to know. So, here I am. Feeling afraid and wanting to just leave. I feel like a crazy nut. I hate this crap.
my husband also made a new account last nonth that i did not know off.I only knew about it because he was asking ne on how and y he could not log in. I was shocked and asked him when he did it and for what purpoae.he never offered the passwors either. he just said he just wanted to make a new one and thathe was already able to retrieve it. I was sad and hurt that he did not offer me the password since his old account was known to me and can be logged in by me at anytym.It took two days aand a whole lot of questions until he finally gave me the pssword. I was so happy i 5ought i was being unreasonable to him.But my mood changed when i relized the password was wrong he gave me the wrong one since i said i will not chwck it just to pacify me he gave me a password..and it locked three letters and he did not even say sorry he miaaed.it was deliberate. I am very cautious considering he had a flirting chat convo with a formwr colleague..im so wind up 🙁 how could they do this
Trust is the key and there shouldn’t be an issue with sharing passwords to each others’ social media accounts or anything else for that matter. However, when one spouse spends an inordinate amount of time on Facebook, Messenger, or other social media and puts the tablet/phone down in a hurry or exits FB/email quickly when their spouse comes up, this may arouse suspicion even in the best relationships. It’s that “I don’t want you to see what I’m doing” factor. This behavior can erode trust and leave one spouse feeling betrayed, left out, or worse emotionally abandoned. You know you have a problem when one spouse gets angry and says “that’s none of your business”. Well, if it’s not my business them it’s either time to open up communication between each other or seriously exam the relationship.
My husband does that with almost everything when he is on his laptop. When he is in his email and I come into the room, he quickly go to a new webpage or go to another email. He will be on a website he doesn’t want me to see, and quickly close the page. On facebook, most of the people I don’t know but have seen in person at his job. One person in particular he never spoke of her and he has requested friends with her.
She post slutty pictures on facebook and I asked my husband about her and why is he friends with her. He says she’s from work. When I say you never said anything about her or introduced her and I have never seen her at the office, he tells me I’m crazy and I make up things. He has locked his facebook to if I try to log in, he will be automatically notified. Mind you he is technology savvy – executive level so the spy software will not work. I have stated to him severally times it is very hurtful and disrepectful but he chooses to shove that woman in my face. The trust was broken when he had an affair with someone who laughed at his corny jokes, very slutty and is known to break up marriages. When I reported the affair to the board of her job, she dropped my husband like a hot potatoe and moved on to someone else’s husband who she is currently married to.
My husband constantly receives friend requests from slutty women… when I say slutty, they are barely wearing any clothing – wearing sexy revealing clothing. It clothing states on his facebook that he is married to me… but they request and he friends them. He refuses to put any type of pictures of us together or our family.
I dislike facebook and any social media. It is not good for married couples. FYI, I supported my husband and his son (my stepson) for many years – over 10 years while he gets his education. Now that I’m disabled with an incurable disorder and not able to work, my husband treats me like I’m suppose to be his “sugar mama” so he’s out on the prowl for his new victim. Yes… I have found his accounts to many dating sites as well as sites that allows you to “talk dirty and meet up”
I noticed my boyfriend of 8 years added a couple girls (both friends to each other) on Facebook. ( This isnt the first time, ive questioned him and it turns into a blown up fight everytime and he deletes his acct, then a couple weeks later starts his acct again.They work at a couple stores near his work. I’ve asked him who they are and he can’t give me an answer. He says he’s not cheating and I don’t think he is! I just want to know how going into a store a couple times regularily a week can lead to adding these girls to Facebook. I feel there’s more to the story. How do you find these girls names out to even add th to facebook? How does he know they are married with three children? And he won’t say anything about it! How can he add two facebook friends of each other and just know them from the stores they work at?? Am I overreacting? It’s not like I’m saying to delete them! I’m just asking who they are and how he met them good enough to add them to Facebook? Am I just being insecure?
i am not still asleep because i hav gone through my husbands activity log..(stalker much for a reason) . a few days ago i notced him searchin a couple of girla that i do not know.One was the sister of his colleague and i wondered why would he want to search for her .to make matters worse he sent her a request. There was also others and he also sent them a request. I cancelled these and for the second time he sent them a request maybe he did not realize i cancelled it. But just a few mins ago i saw that he again searched for these two girls.i just dont understand who they are and y. he said he wanted his facenook to have friends that he know off only yet he does thia. so i decided to send these girla a friend request on his account maybe hed be happ6then and i will later unfriend them 🙂 payback hehe
I’ve been married for almost 5 years now and my husband and I both have separate facebook accounts. We also share the majority of our friends. This is a great article and I agree with it 100%. However, if your spouse is doing these things, and you know their password, DELETE THEIR FACEBOOKS! Also, delete yours to avoid conflict. Hubby and I have done this twice. Our marriage is stronger then ever now and I like it. Both parties having a facebook account builds trust.
My husband had a sexual conversation with a girl from his past…..like high school on Facebook about 4 or 5 years ago. After I confronted him and he said they were just reminiscing, which pissed me off, he did agree to block her and never speak to her again. He also blocked the girl he dated for two years before he met me. Last year he unblocked her and sent her a facebook “how ya been” message. I snooped through his phone and found it. When I questioned him he deleted it and said it was harmless. He once again agreed to block her. Well today I just happened to go through his phone and find that both women are now unblocked! When I confronted him he swore to me that he never unblocked them and that he has no idea how it happened. Someone please tell me I am not crazy! And that it’s impossible for someone to just mysteriously be unblocked. He swore up and down he didn’t do it and I have no choice to tell him I believe him even though I know he is lying. I’m feeling helpless and don’t know what to do!
You’re absolutely not crazy! I would have done the same thing. Btw, just so you know He’s not going to stop flirting and checking on women on facebook most guys tend to be more confident to do flirt with women online than personal. Set grounds! Stay Strong! Tell him He’s not fooling anyone with his reasons.
I am just now finding your answer. Thank you for the heads up. Yea I see he recently became friends with some girl he doesn’t even know. And when I asked him how he knows her he got defense and yelled at me. Now we are in a big fight and he tells me I am insecure. First of all I consider myself a strong confident woman! Insecure about myself absolutely not! Insecure about where I stand with him……ABSOLUTELY!
One of the things you’ll find is that when a guy is cheating (or wants to) he will get defensive.
This could be from guilt, denial, or simple disrespect. Don’t fall for that line about being “insecure”.
That’s what men say when they don’t want to admit what they are up to.
My husband has a female coworker he is friends with. I don’t trust this woman, I think she is a snake, and I suspect that something has happened between them.
They have been alone in his car and her texts to him are not sexual, but they are overly friendly.
He shuts down and acts distant with me sometimes, so I feel like something is not quite right.
We are not “insecure”…we know when things are not OK. You had every right to confront him about it!
I know you wrote this a few years ago Michele, but I agree with you! Sometimes we have to snoop when we have been lied to and when we have a bad feeling that things are not right.
I really don’t understand these married men that still want to talk to girls they knew back in high school. That was high school…they need to grow up!
I’ve found that some of my friends who are in the happiest marriages have a shared account, for example, an account name would be Ron Sherry smith. I like that idea.
i am actually thinking of doing that too..maybe i will the problem is there are a lot of memories of my daughter in my account..but i saw two friends sharing their account and they seemcto be doing well
Hello. I have a concern, my husband became friends with one of his family members friends. He has never met her and we live several states away from her. They started chatting and sharing information about different things they both agree on. Mostly political issues. He started spending more time on facebook and checking and sending chat messages. He never hid them from me except I know there were some that were deleted. She has never requested to be my friend which I thought was a little strange since she was friends with my husband. A few months back I got a bad feeling so I checked his messages to her. One said “everyday I look forward to seeing your picture and your posts!! I love your mind!! I’m glad we’re friends even if it’s only facebook.” There were a few others that were a little personal also. I asked him about it and he immediately deleted her and blocked her. A few days later he unblocked her and she immediately sent him a message asking him where he’s been. He says she is nothing to him and that she’s just a soul like his cousins and family. I have a bad feeling about this. Should I? Please help me shed some light on this.
I call this an emotional affair! Nothing less!
My husband of 31 years has recently emailed an old classmate. He told her he just wanted to catch up. He ended it with ‘Maybe we can meet sometime in the future, I hope so’ He didn’t mention this contact to me because he said it was NOTHING his sister knows this lady and she told my husband how to contact her. My husband is 66 and I am 61. In all these years he has never given me reason to doubt his love and commitment but I still feel betrayed that he felt the need to contact her and he also has a few women friends on facebook. My husband says he would never do anything like this again but I am feeling heart broken and overwhelmingly sad. I am trying hard and praying but feel emotionally betrayed. Do women of my age share similar feelings. Why do you think I am so shattered inside.
The wife of a couple that we had been close to has been very unhappy with me ever since her husband falsely accused our spouses of an affair which woke me up to borderline (or very, depending on your social standards) inappropriate behaviors, such as sending links to raunchy news stories and jokes (that my spouse has ceased), buying my spouse odd gifts, and lying to me about giving my spouse a ride one day when he was stuck without a vehicle (no big deal except the lie).
She has decided to block me on Facebook, but continues to comment on and like nearly everything that my spouse posts.
It’s angering me and appears to be saddening her spouse.
My husband says that it would be rude for him to block her and would effectively end any chance of repairing the friendship.
I am sorry to inform you but your two mates are already having an affair…if not physical definately emotional. Why I say this is your husband is unwilling to break ties with this woman ( won’t hurt her feelings) even though he knows it is hurting your’s badly. That means he is vested in a relationship with her and that is much further along then either if them claim or you thought it to be. I know because this is exactly what my X-husband said and did for 2 years, abusing me emotionally while giving all his best to her bothe emotionally and physically. Wake up and give the man a what for….either she goes or you do!!!
My husband has women commenting on his picture when he changes his profile picture.
Here is the kicker….after they comment on him…
oh you are so handsome etc,
He then clicks the like button. He says he is just saying Thank you by doing that. It is only the polite thing to do.
He is from Denmark and he says that is not flirting or encouraging them. I need different points of view from Men & women….PLEASE 🙁 It makes me so sad when I see this on facebok.
…and yes…I have told him that it hurts me.
The fact that she interacts with your husband, but blocks you says it all.
I would never ever have an exclusive friendship with any of my friends husbands. I can not even imagine having a friendship with someone’s husband, and blocking the wife. That is outrageously inappropriate, and a clear statement of nothing but ill intentions.
Bottom line is that Facebook is an enabler and a cheating tool. Not always and not by Stated purpose, but in practice plenty of married males use it to erode and weasel their way into other people’s relationships. It’s an opportunity to say things safely to a taken woman you wouldn’t risk in front of her husband. They use it as a shield and will ferociously defend Facebook because they want this ability. People disdain the thought of sharing a Facebook account because it nerfs their ability to flirt with someone they aren’t supposed to. That’s the bottom line right there. Facebook didn’t exist 10 years ago, it’s not necessary, it’s not LIFE. So I dismiss all these arguments about how sharing an account is weird or gives up undue privacy to your spouse. They’ll say Sharing a Facebook account shows insecurity and a sign that we don’t trust each other, but that’s a mind game. Logically people who trust each other share More not Less. Some couples simply choose to erect a firewall against all the Other people who can’t be trusted. If it’s awkward to talk to a “couple” then it just means you really had nothing legitimate to say.
I totally agree with you. I have been seeing all of these married people, both male and female, with separate facebook accounts, and if I didn’t know who they were, I never would have been able to identify them as a married person. In fact, it is bewildering to me how they’re accounts are set up so they actually look like they are single, with no stated relationships, and only photos of him/herself. I even saw an account of a married woman I know on facebook the other night, married for 20 years, 2 kids, and she’s had a makeover, and photos posted that were taken when out with her husband, but with her husband blocked out of the photos to make it look like it is only her in the photos, with all her info looking like she had never been married.
I think its so weird when married people on facebook look like they are single, and their spouse is just one of their friends. What the hell is with that? I feel like posting “Hey, are you no longer married, but are still friends with your spouse?”.
My friend has only one email account for the whole family, and I only communicate with her, not her husband, so I just address her when I write the email.
When I signed up for facebook when single, I got only friend requests from the creepiest ill intentioned guys that I know in high school 35 years ago, so I just delete the a/c, so that makes me wonder why any married woman or man would want a separate facebook account, since this is what will happen.
Friendships with other couples, and same sex friendships with new and old friends are important so as not to be isolated by a marraige, but married people have very little time together to keep fostering their own friendship with each other, why on earth would any married person be sneaking around or openly fostering friendships with the opposite sex, when it would definitely be at the expense of their time, friendship and matrimonial relationship with their spouse?
AMEN!!! Facebook IS NOT NECESSARY.
My husband has talked and flirted with other girls when we first started dating, then he stopped cause we started getting serious.. Then one day this girl tags him in a note about a poem of being in love or having a crush, and he goes on continuously asking the girl if she liked him, which she said no and that she tagged him just to spread the note/poem thing.. nothing of it again.. then he went idle from facebook for months, UNTIL! his facebook had a post on it saying “I regret letting her go, I dont want to lose her” talking about his ex-girlfriend, which I confronted him about it, and he got pissed off and swore he didnt write that cause he is glad he got rid of the ‘bitch’ which his ex-girlfriend DID have the password to his facebook still at the time.. and no incidents happened since then.. He rarely goes on facebook now when he does he says it just to check requests, messages, and notifications. Which i didnt really believe him cause i have trust issues cause my ex’s used facebook to cheat on me.. so I got on my husband’s facebook from his phone when he was sleeping and got the password, and i still know it till this very day and he doesnt even know about it.. So i check his facebook at times to make sure nothing is going on.. so far nothing is.. but here lately he been getting on it a bit more.. i got curious so i checked the history of his phone of facebook one day,.. he was looking thru all my photos and nothing else.. which i was perfectly fine with!! but until i started noticing his ex-gf keeps getting unblocked on facebook, which is weird cause there isnt any thing of them talking.. her profile is set on private and their not friends.. so Its confusing of why she keeps getting unblocked.. Im completely open with my husband, i even let him on my phone and told him my facebook password, but he never acts on it cause he says he has no reason to check my stuff cause he believes and trusts me.. but yet he wouldn’t told me his password cause of his ex had his password before and really fucked up their relationship and she even went thru his phone and flipped about everything (i heard all about this from their mutual friends) I went thru his phone once, and he fucking flips on me cause of his ex doing it all the time when they were together and he believes that I should trust him and believe him.. When its hard for me to trust someone and believe someone after my past (I was abused by my father and ex-boyfriends, and was even raped a few times) which after all that happening for over 19 years its hard to learn to trust someone.. its been hard, and now facebook seems like a main argument we have, all cause I ask why he been on facebook more often..
If he is on facebook more often lately, but nothing showing on his posts, then he must be doing something on it, then he might be deleting it to hide the fact. What could be happening to account for his ex gf repeatedly being unblocked, which is a real indication that something is repeatedly happening with her on facebook – is that if his ex gf is repeatedly being blocked then unblocked then it looks like he might be communicating with her on facebook by her friending him each time they communicate by unblocking her, then blocking her after the conversation so she is not showing up as a friend afterward, and deleting the posts so there is no trace of the communication or of her.
I’m a single girl, and I’m really tired of married men writing to me on Facebook. It’s disgusting, dishonorable, and sleazy. Most of them are older than my father but think that a young woman is going to be interested in them. They’re pathetic old losers who need to go back to their long suffering wives. It’s pretty rare that a single, available man writes to me; it’s always some scumbag married man. Kind of makes me glad that I’m not married!
Facebook is not some evil creation. It’s the same as many other things, what you do with it is what you will get from it. Personally I use it as a way to keep up with friends and family I don’t live anywhere near anymore. Some live out of town, some out of state, and some out of the country. It is sad when people use it for the wrong thing, but those who are claiming it is this horrid thing that never should have been started should stop and look around. Before Facebook flings hurting relationships it was email and messenger, before that it was letters, and there still the good old fashioned sneaking around. Look at the real problem, the way people use it and some people’s lack of respect and commitment, not Facebook itself.
In addition to having Facebook accounts completely open between a couple, we both post kind messages of an non-personal nature on one another’s walls, ie: “Miss you!” and that sort of thing. The message is clear: after 22 years, we’re still deeply in love and respect for one another. We celebrate our marriage and family on our Facebook pages, and it saddens me when I see people post something unkind about a spouse for all to see – no matter how benign it may seem, such as complaining about snoring. That just puts a mark on your marriage and sends the message that there is a chink in the armor.
Hello Gina,
I am in a similar situation. My husband of 26 yrs created his FB account for about two yrs ago. It has been nothing but trouble. I believe that the only reason for him to acquire it was to get in touch with his “friends”, which happen to an ex-girlfriend and another woman he went to prom with in high school. I didn’t have a problem with it in the beginning because it was casual conversation. He was also open about their chats but then the flirting started and the messages were being deleted. When I confront him he about it he gets angry and insists he is doing nothing wrong. That I don’t have anything to worry about because he doesn’t go out. But, I do have a problem with it because once he started flirting, keeping things from me and deleting complete conversation he has something to hide. Another this is behavior he would not tolerate from me. Not that I would ever behave this way. I tell him that I don’t want to have this type of marriage and he responds by saying, ” a marriage where you have a roof over your head, you have food on the table and you don’t work”. This is unbelievable. He doesn’t get it. I am wrong for asking him to stop talking with these women? Torn in Texas.
hi im goin thre the same help
my husband has jus changed his facebook so i cant see anything , wen i put his name in it comes up with nothing, he sed he not on it but his friends have shown me is… wot to do????
Catch him out. Set up a facebook a/c in another name so he doesn’t know it’s you, friend request him, and see how far he’ll go. You should also be able to see the activity on his a/c this way. Although this is clandestine, the fact is, he is being deliberately clandestine and secretive with you. At the very least, you have the right to know the truth.
Ditto
Whoever invented Facebook should be imprisoned for causing hurt and devastation in numerous marriages. My husband is addicted to Facebook and has a few female friends whom he keeps in contact with. So far, I have not read any comments on his site that are inappropriate. I can not stop him from contacting females on Facebook but he needs to know that he is playing with fire. I have mentioned this to him but he insists that he is only friends with them.
Any other women with a similar problem? I would like to read your comments.
Yes I am having that problem too. Mine is that he friended his ex-fiance to piss me off changed his status to single and than changed it back and unfriended her when I flipped out. Now he friended her again and I have discovered that you can’t change people no matter how hard you try this would have been 10 years married for us and I am not sure it will last…just remember you can only make changes in your life..i am about too.
Facebook was invented by a guy to get back at a female student for being dumped!(we saw the film mark well done)
It already had the kiss of death put on it from the begining.
It has made millions on the stock market.
thanks to people who are dumb!
In this age of advance in computers and social net working it is more than possible and without effort to create your own personal network for your family and real friends and that way it stays private no need for passwords or worrying about strangers or weird stuff happening.
facebook is a way to sell advertising, to promote as well as a social network thats how they make money remember that folks!!.
there are some FB pages that are NOT on a person to person call.
its a page for people to follow, example a famous writer or actor or singer.
they will not answer you personally at all you could make a comment but 99% it will not be answered purely because its being used to update and sell that perticular celebs new whatever for sale.
some celebs however do comment and when they have without naming names they have been dragged into the spotlight and got into trouble,but mostly this is rare.
but really if you dont want to take the risk of being on facebook or anything like that.
set up your own personal network for your family and stay private and enjoy it!!
there are lots of ideas and easy steps to do it and the cost is very small and its not rocket science!
Great article!!! I agree 100%!!!!
My marriage and trust has been destroyed because of secret messages between my husband and a woman he hasn’t seen in 25+ years. She contacted him with the help of his mother. She told him she had dreams about him and then he started asking for details. Well the rest can be figured out. He says he didn’t do anything wrong, so why do I hurt so bad?
este articulo es muy acertado…yo tengo facebook y la verdad es que con la gracia de Dios puedo usarlo correctamente…pero mi esposo ya ha tenido este tipo de tentaciones q explica el artículo: agregando chicas que ni siquiera conoce, pero le parecen lindas..y tambien he visto que ha hablado por mensajes con alguna de ellas…creo que es tal cual como lo dice Patrick…es una tentación muy grande…frente esto, por mi parte, sólo me queda rezar mucho por mi esposo para que dios lo sostenga
My husband has “female” friends on Facebook, much to my dismay. So far, I have not read any inappropriate comments/actions, but he is playing with fire.
I feel hurt as you do because we have been betrayed. I compare our husband’s actions to emotional infidelity. I am going to seek counseling before and if my marriage ends. Good luck to you. Would love to hear what has happened since your last post.
I too have dealt with the same situation with my husband but not only does he talk to the opposite sex I’ve found him on many many dating sites. We’ve been married 6 years now and I couldn’t be more hurt over it all. His lies and his betrayals have made me a shell of a woman. I’m so depressed and not the woman I used to be. He tells me it’s not cheating to be registered on dating sites. To me it definitely is! So heartbroken and all I can do is file for divorce. It’s been going on for 5 years is what I’ve found out and I’m terribly hurt and feel that I have wasted my time on a fake marriage. I now can not look at him or love him. He’s made me hate him. Life goes on and I can do it without a liar and a cheater. I deserve better and so does any woman in this situation.
Patrick
We both have a Facebook and have access to each other accounts. You rules are pretty much on target. As long and you and your spouse have an open communication, it should not cause any issues.
Thanks
Rosa
Yes, we single people have resigned ourselves uncomfortably to the end of personal emails to our newly-married friends of the same sex. Shared marital passwords–and their ally, zero marital boundaries–make it very difficult for friends of the same sex to get or give advice, counsel, and support on things that friends’ spouses have no business seeing or knowing.
There is still the telephone. You can talk with your fried privately that way.
I’ve found that most women tell their husband/boyfriend/significant other everything about a private conversation between two friends of the same sex anyway. They tend to feel that their mate doesn’t count as “someone else” when their friend states “please do not repeat this to anyone” so it’s a lost cause from the get go trying to have private communication with them.
I couldn’t agree more with the rules you stated. Rule number one hits home for me. I think husbands and wives should be completely open with each other. There shouldn’t be anything they want to hide frome each other. It is part of the spouse giving themselves entirely to the other spouse when they get married. Complete honesty and trust in each other.
Great article. Maintaining healthy boundaries seems to be a lost art these days, even among devout Christians.
Hi Patrick,
Very good and wise article.
One thing:
I think it should be like that also for people in relationships, not only marriage.
I have been in a relationship for 9 months and he has all my password and I have all his.
Of course we completely trust each other and I don’t even check him so often but it should be like this if you want to have a serious relationship that leads to marriage. Completely honest from the beginning.
Thanks for your work, I just found your FB page and liked you.
God bless.
I agree in that being transparent is a healthy and efficient way to secure a marriage, and sharing passwords is a way of showing trust too. Somehow one may receive as an excuse that sharing either facebook/laptop/email passwords is violating the other partner’s “privacy”. I would like to know, where does “privacy” starts, or if such thing can exist as an individual in a marriage?
Thanks for your insightful posts! God bless!
Hi Patrick,
My husband isn’t on Facebook(he’s strictly a Linked-In guy), but I’ll email him my password so he can check on me if he feels the need. I mostly use it to keep in touch with my family(we’re pretty far from them) and it’s resulted in increased phone conversations with my fallen-away brother. Thanks for sharing this wisdom!
My husband has been approached by women on Linkedin (at least he says they approached him, not him them…who knows). He has also deleted emails and conversations. He gets defensive when I ask him about theses conversations and says “I can’t recall’ like that is some sort of an answer.
It appears he happily hands out his email address to any woman who comes on to him, but he says “it means nothing…just egging them on”. But the fact is…these conversations were private, I would never had known until I got suspicious of his defensiveness about his constant use of Linkedin and Facebook. I am also not impressed about Facebook adding ‘private messaging’ that I had no idea about until recently because it is only available on phones and tablets and I use a laptop.
Silly me, I thought it was a business networking site…not a place to ‘pick up’ random women. 🙁