The plan isn’t foolproof. For it to work, certain things must happen.

November 7, 2011 by  
Filed under Patrick's Blog

—The door to the vault must have accidentally been left open by the cleaning woman.

—The guard must bend over to tie his shoes and somehow he gets all the shoelaces tied together. He can’t get them apart, so he takes out his gun and shoots all his bullets at the knot. But he misses. Then he just lies down on the floor and goes to sleep.

—Most of the customers in the bank must happen to be wearing Nixon masks, so when we come in wearing our Nixon masks it doesn’t alarm anyone.

—There must be an empty parking space right out in front. If it has a meter, there must be time left on it, because our outfits don’t have pockets for change.

—The monkeys must grab the bags of money and not just shriek and go running all over the place, like they did in the practice run.

—The security cameras must be the early, old-timey kind that don’t actually take pictures.

—When the big clock in the lobby strikes two, everyone must stop and stare at it for at least ten minutes.

—The bank alarm must have mistakenly been set to “Quiet.” Or “Ebb tide.”

—The gold bars must be made out of a lighter kind of gold that’s just as valuable but easier to carry. . . . (continue reading)

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3 Responses to “The plan isn’t foolproof. For it to work, certain things must happen.”
  1. Dan Lord says:

    Fantastic. In terms of this being a “Jack Handey” post, is the idea that the elements necessary in order for the robbery to succeed are similar to the elements necessary for the universe to be created by accident, or something like that? And, if I’m right, do I win a large cash prize?

    • Martha says:

      Yes. Jack Handey. I miss his ‘Deep Thoughts.’

      I’m sure it’s something along those lines, Dan… I was thinking more like a Siskel & Ebert-esque critique of one of the latest thriller films involving a ridiculously complex robbery. Maybe an older film, more along the lines of ‘The 3 Stooges Mon(k)ey Heist.’ ;D But then I’m not as clever as Patrick, so while he’s guffawing at his screen, I’m just sitting here thinking, ‘Say Whaaaa?’

  2. Laura says:

    Love it! The New Yorker basically described an average day of mine. Why aren’t I more efficient? Can’t figure the answer to THAT riddle!
    Thanks for the smile!

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